Guys Love What Women Don'tWritten by Ed Williams
Remember last week’s column when I talked about that annoying little habit women have of wanting to eat food off a man’s plate when they’re out with one of us at a restaurant? Well, I had a certain lady write me an email in response, and she told me that she somewhat agreed with me re what I was saying, but, added that it really didn’t matter too much as, “...getting upset about us eating food off a man’s plate is strictly a guy’s thing. It‘s no big deal to us.”
A guy’s thing. I’ve heard that terminology since back in high school when I first started dating. What it refers to is fact that there are just some things that men like that women don’t. Those little things that separate sexes, and make them what they are. And, after thinking for a good twenty seconds, I’m gonna be kind enough to list what some of major “guy’s things” are:
1. The Three Stooges - For some unknown reason, guys love Stooges and women don’t. What’s not to love? They exhibited some of greatest physical comedy ever, and some of their sayings were priceless. Remember some of these routines:
Curly: “Whatja say?”
Moe: *gives Curly a two-finger eye poke*
Curly: “That’s what I thought ya said.”
Shemp: (Looking into a mirror) “There I yam - and as pretty as a picture.”
Moe: “Yeah. Of an ape.” (Then slaps Shemp hard).
Isn’t that great? I’ll bet lots of you guys out there are laughing out loud. On other hand, I’ll bet that most of you ladies are saying, “I just don’t get it, I never thought Stooges were all that funny.” This is a great first example of a “guy’s thing.” But there’s plenty more.
2. Mountain Dew - Diet Mountain Dew is my favorite soft drink in world. I love its mellow, citrus based taste, and it has more caffeine in it than any other soft drink. But, what I’ve discovered is, try offering one to a woman. For some unknown reason, experience has taught me that eight out of ten women will turn a Mountain Dew down, saying, “I just don’t like it.” What’s not to like? It tastes good, keeps you awake, and it looks same leaving your body as when it went in. A totally useful product.
Women Own Weddings!Written by Ed Williams
This week we’re going to cover subject of weddings from man’s point of view....
That’s right, this week we’re gonna cover weddings from man’s point of view. And why not? It’s June, right? The big wedding month? Well, okay then, let’s get down to business. Of all activities or events that there are out there, one of most feminine dominated ones are wedding ceremonies. Okay, laugh if you will, make all comments you want about how weddings are for both man and woman, and then sit back and answer following questions to see if I’m not hittin’ it dead on target...
What gender typically directs wedding ceremony?
Whose preacher typically conducts wedding ceremony?
Who is ninety plus percent of crowd there to see, about-to-be new husband or about-to-be new wife?
Who benefits most from bridal registry?
Which gender most enjoys dressing up for ceremony, and which gender’s feet hurt for days afterwards on account of having to wear black leather shoes with triple thick soles?
Whose wedding clothing is preserved for posterity afterwards, and whose is immediately taken back to rental place?
(..and here’s one to see if y’all are still paying attention) What gender typically pays for whole ceremony?
See what I mean? And it gets even worse for poor man involved. A guy who has a zillion girlfriends can announce one day that he’s found someone to marry, and everyone will laugh and wonder why he’s bothering to go through with a wedding at all, sort of “why buy a cow....” type analogy. But, let a woman live with a man for ten years and then announce that she’s marrying him and having a big ceremony, well, no one will say ten words about insanity of it all, in fact, it‘s usually applauded. Why? But it gets even worse for us males - man, right after ceremony, will be whisked away along with his new bride over to wedding reception. This will typically be a super nice, catered affair, and one that man has somewhat looked forward to as he has had to starve himself for several hours prior to ceremony (he can’t have noises rumbling out of his stomach for everyone to hear while vows are being recited, you know). As soon as he gets a little plate of food and readies himself for some much needed nutrition, he’ll be hemmed up by some of his new bride’s relatives and told to “be good to her,” or “treat her like we always did,” and my all-time personal favorite, “we’ll be keeping an eye on you.” What male discovers over next few years is that most of relatives who made these statements are either unemployed, struggling with substance abuse problems, or else follow religions involving handling of dangerous reptiles. Of course, in all fairness, all families have their share of drunks and losers, but for some reason new bride’s deadbeat ones want to dole out lots of advice to groom right after wedding. I guess that’s because they realize that man will soon discover true scoop, and as a result they’ll never be able to give out any advice again, so they have to take full advantage of their one good chance to do so.