I hear
questions again and again: “How do I get my child to ……quit whining?”
…do their homework?”
…clean their room?”
…do dishes?”
And I hear all kinds of answers for each situation. Here is my proposal, rather than handle each situation as an isolated event, let’s look at them in light of what we know about human behavior.
Events that appear to be random, isolated behaviors actually fit into predictable patterns for most children. If you understand patterns, you’ll know what to do in most situations. I’ve developed five B’s to reduce these patterns to five easy to remember and apply principles.
So, let’s get started…
1. Be Positive
People -- including children -- do things for one of two reasons: to avoid pain or to pursue pleasure. As a parent, you constantly work between these two options. If you use lots of negatives -- like punishments -- to drive behavior, your child will do just enough to avoid pain. Rewarding good behaviors rather than punishing bad ones, improves chance that you’ll get cooperation and not conflict from your child.
Noticing unacceptable behaviors and stopping them with a punishment is easy. It takes effort to recognize good behaviors and praise them. You’ll need to do both; but more you recognize good, less likely you are to see bad.
2. Be Specific
Make sure you speak to your child about specific behaviors. Whether you administer discipline or offer praise, more specific you make your words better.
Let’s say your child interrupts you. Many people get angry and tell their children to “stop being rude and inconsiderate.” Well, “rude” and “inconsiderate” are interpretations of behavior, not behaviors. A better statement would be, “I don’t appreciate it when you interrupt and challenge me. I see those behaviors as rude and inconsiderate. The next time you speak to me, I expect you to wait your turn to speak.” Depending on situation, you might even take a further disciplinary action based on rules of your household. Whether you take further action or not, focus on specific behaviors and not interpretations.
Here are some examples:
- Good girl (or boy), bad girl (or boy), rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, arrogant, obnoxious, flighty, unfocused, smart aleck, and pushy are interpretations. - Interrupting, rolling eyes, speaking loudly (or softly), shrugging shoulders, looking away, walking away, tone of voice, and slamming door are specific behaviors.
3. Be Certain
People act based on what they expect to happen to them in future. Whether it’s avoiding pain or pursuing pleasure, it’s still about expectations. Your child needs to know -- without a doubt -- what to expect from you based on their actions.
We use pre-defined family rules and behavioral expectations as a tool to improve certainty. Children need to know rules. They need to know what to expect when they follow rules -- and when they don’t.
We put a list of five family rules and a list of both acceptable and unacceptable behaviors on our refrigerator. We never have to discuss what is or is not appropriate in our household. We defined it together and wrote it down. As parents, we then enforce pre-agreed upon rules.
4. Be Consistent
Consistency works in close partnership with Certainty. It is Certainty’s twin in daily struggle to raise happy, healthy, respectful, well-behaved kids. Your children will never develop a sense of certainty if you don’t consistently apply your household rules.
