When my husband and I picked up Kristina up morning after, we asked, "Well? Was it fun? Did anyone get scared? Anyone call their parents?"

"The only one who got scared was Diane."

"At her own party? Why?"

"She told us ghost stories. And then SHE was awake all night." Kristina rolled her eyes. "She thinks ghosts are real."

Kids aren't only ones who tell themselves scary stories-and believe them. When you have a partner, a child, a colleague, or a boss who's driving you crazy, chances are that it's not what they are actually doing that's getting under your skin. It's your story.

One kind of story that can cause a lot of havoc in a relationship is an all or nothing story.

Have you ever felt restless and bored as you looked at your calendar and realized you have no social events planned? And then sighed to yourself, "We live such a boring life. We never do anything fun." Well, it's possible that you are only couple on planet who absolutely NEVER does anything fun. But chances are that you are completely forgetting about that movie you went to two weeks ago. It's probably more realistic to say that you're not getting out as much as you would like to. But if you convince yourself that your whole life is boring, you (and your partner) could end up feeling too demoralized to take action to pep up your social life!

Or, say your husband is mad because while you were tidying up kitchen, you accidentally buried that important report from work that he's been looking for.

You think, "I'm always causing trouble for him. I must be a real drag to live with. I don't even know why he wants to be with me."

Now you're prepped to see any complaint by your husband as a sign that he doesn't want to be with you. You'll probably react with anger that's out of proportion to situation. And things will go downhill pretty quickly from there.

In reality, your husband can be absolutely furious with you at this moment and still love you to pieces. In fact, it's most natural thing in world. Life isn't black or white; it comes in all shades of grey. And all or nothing stories are every bit as imaginary as children's ghost stories.

I decided I should find out what these services are all about, so I logged on and took a tour of several popular services. I immediately noticed they all had something in common. All of them promised to help you find someone who is compatible with you. You may be asking yourself, What’s so remarkable about that? Everyone knows compatibility is important when choosing a mate.

This is one of those times when “what everyone knows” is wrong. These days, when mental health professionals want to know what a happy marriage looks like, they turn to John Gottman, Ph.D. That’s because he has spent upwards of twenty-five years observing couples and he offers us a treasure trove of information about what makes happy couples different from unhappy couples.

What does Dr. Gottman say about compatibility? He says it will help your marriage—but only a little. It is not nearly as important as respect, acceptance, emotional connection, and communication.

How can this be? After all, we all know that conflicts erupt when we want different things, whether it’s what to do this weekend or how to raise our kids. The truth is, while it might appear that stumbling block is different opinions, bigger problem is really how we communicate about those opinions.

I once took a dancing class from a teacher who said, “If you see a couple screw up on dance floor and then laugh, they might be married, but not to each other.” You could see smiles of recognition all around room. You and your partner might share a love of dancing, but that’s not enough to keep you from getting into a ballroom power struggle.