Gay Zombie Hunter's Dilemma

Written by Karl Mueller

The title of this article may lead you to believe that I hunt gay zombies. This is untrue, mostly because zombies who were once gay humans are now too gross to still be considered ‘gay’. Their cards were revoked long ago. No no, I am a gay hunter of zombies, and I need your advice.

Now thatrepparttar world has been overrun with flesh eating monsters its’ become more difficult to find fashionable merchandise. No longer arerepparttar 141687 days of Channel spring lines and Ikea super sales. Now we must scavengerepparttar 141688 city, risking our lives in a quest for that perfect pair of shoes. Often I pretend like I’m living out Pretty Woman, except now whenrepparttar 141689 clerks don’t let me shop I take action with a double shot gun.

I say ‘we’ because there are others that survived. Not many, but there are a few. Mostly goths in black netting with pale white faces; apparently they looked too dead already. I was very lucky myself. You see, that particular day was a ‘me’ day, where I locked my doors, turned offrepparttar 141690 phones and played Madonna, Cher, and Britney Spears on rotation for 18 hours. How fabulous! In any case I missedrepparttar 141691 worst of it, and when I awoke from my blissful stupor I realized that my peaceful shopping days were over.

Now lets get back torepparttar 141692 real problem. I decided to go for a stroll throughrepparttar 141693 city on a mission to obtain a set of dinnerware to match my couch and coaster set. I plan to use them ifrepparttar 141694 world ever repopulates enough to justify social events (hopefully withrepparttar 141695 ‘right’ type of people this time around, if you know what I mean). Never can be too prepared. So I put on my Egyptian cotton shirt, pin stripe pants and pushed my way pastrepparttar 141696 outdated Ugg boots in my closet to grab my running shoes (hey, I can’t be all glamour when battlingrepparttar 141697 undead). Then I grabbed my pink ‘girl power’ chainsaw and went to town.


Written by Thor Trewoofe

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

HAS AMERICA GONE TO THE DOGS? -- Or, "Woofstock" Here We Come! --

Canucks take a good deal of pride in their hockey, beer, and cellular telephones (especially those Fido commercials about perky pet-owners who bear a striking resemblance to their posh- or pathetic-looking pooches).

This weekend in Toronto, (the capital of everything BIG in Canada), they’re holding a weird and wonderful event, aptly called “Woofstock”, to celebrate man’s best friend (the dog) and to push every imaginable product and service to pamper one’s hip-looking hound.

The most fur-friendly towns in Canada are probably Dog Creek (British Columbia), Dog’s Nest (Ontario) and Dog Pound (Alberta). But,repparttar only place where they've actually waged a war overrepparttar 141489 issue of Fido-freedom is in Victoria, British Columbia. Elected officials recently passed a bylaw permitting off-leash dog walking and piddling (withrepparttar 141490 added bonus of doggie-doo-doo bags supplied free-of-charge in convenient receptacles) alongrepparttar 141491 scenic seashore and tourist-trap trail known as “Dallas Road”.

If you don't think that America has truly gone torepparttar 141492 dogs, then just take a peek at those nudge-nudge, wink-wink "bosom buddies" residing south ofrepparttar 141493 49th parallel.

No less than 1,086 geographic features (including airports, bars, bays, beaches, bridges, buildings, canals, capes, cemeteries, channels, churches, cliffs, crossings, dams, flats, gaps, glaciers, islands, keys, lakes, mines, oilfields, parks, pillars, post-offices, ranges, reservoirs, ridges, schools, springs, streams, summits, swamps, valleys, and wells) are dedicated to these blessed bow-wowing creatures.

It may be a "dog-eat-dog world" out there but judging fromrepparttar 141494 plethora of pet-inspired U.S. place names,repparttar 141495 most fido-friendly towns to hang out in are probably:

- Big Lick (North Carolina) - Canine Gulch (Alaska) - Dog Bluff (South Carolina) - Dog Canyon Estates (New Mexico) - Dog Corners (Maine), Dogs Corners (New Jersey) - Dog Creek (Oklahoma, Kentucky) - Dog Ear Lake (Florida) - Dog Hill (Tennessee) - Dog Pond (Arizona) - Dog Hole Lake (Florida) - Doggie Island (South Carolina) - Doghouse Junction (California) - Dog Island (Florida) - Dog Island Corner (Maine) - Dogpatch (Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona), Dog Patch (West Virginia) - Dog Ridge (Texas) - Dogtail Corners (New York) - Dogtown (Alabama, California, Florida, Kentucky, Maryland, Maine, Mississippi, New England, New York, Pennsylvania, Tennessee) - Dogsboro (Georgia) - Dog Walk (Illinois, Kentucky) - Dogway (West Virginia) - Gnaw Bone (Indiana) - Licking (Mississippi) - Mutt (Virginia) - Paw Paw (Illinois) - Poocham (New Hampshire) - Tick Bite (North Carolina) - Township of Dog Ear (South Dakota)

Canine critters are definitely BIG BUSINESS in America, home to millions of mischievous mutts, misbehaving mongrels not to mention their sometimes very ornery owners.

Cont'd on page 2 ==> © 2005
Terms of Use