Friends -- With BenefitsWritten by Kwame DeRoche
We've all been there. That long, seemingly endless drought during which time you get no play. No action. No sweet lovin'. The dating life is mediocre, and you've got no prospects. But as we've proven time and time again, we're a resourceful bunch. Many take matters into their own hands. In Appalachians, many fall into arms of a sexy sibling. But there's a number of us that decide to try… 'Friends with benefits.'
Yeah, that old song. You start workin' your mojo on your friends. And try to stay friends. And, it usually ends in disaster.
FWB finds its origins in some breakup many years ago. The guy, sick of all her crap yet still lusting for her body, voiced a proposal. An agreement, if you will. Sex without relationship complications. Totally need-based, not emotion based like what those other suckers are doing. Just for a little while. It's perfect plan. Kinda like a severance package for his package, until it finds 'new employment.'
The mistake didn't lie in idea. Because people come up with stupid ideas every day. And trying to have sex with your ex isn't exactly original. The mistake, my friends, is that she agreed to it. So opened a new loophole for commitment-phobes everywhere. Sex with no strings. The multiple-night-stand.
The 'friends with benefits.'
In later years, FWB made way for other dating loophole innovations like Revenge Sex and Booty Call. But I digress.
So there you are, still complaining about not being able to find someone special, but now with a big grin on your face. Why? You gettin' sum.
In order for FWB plan to work, there must be rules in place. You must both be single. You're probably not getting any from anyone else, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for FWB. You can't get emotionally attached, jealous, needy, or any of that crap. You probably try to keep it a secret, too. And, most of all, you can’t let it interfere with your (our your friend's) dating life. You know what? With all those rules, it starts to sound an awfully lot like a…uhm…what's it called? A relationship. Or worse, a JOB.
Anyway, in theory, it's like finding a gold mine. Pack up wagon, Ma, you're a free sex 49er. You can't believe that you're only one who thought of this. No anniversaries to remember, no hearts and flowers, no explaining where you were Friday night, you're in heaven. But like great gold rush, you never know when it's all gonna run out.
Disaster comes into play when one of two friends in agreement is harboring a crush. Only one. And think about it folks, any friend who would just up and agree to start having casual yet semi-exclusive sex with you has to have an agenda of their own. (The fact that they look at you and lick their lips is a give-away too.) Chances are they not be fully aware of it themselves. This accounts for 90% of FWB files. So, when drought is over, and emergency FWB rations can be put away, that pre-existing crush is enough to cause BIG (yet sudden to you) jealousy. The casualty? Your platonic, un-awkward, normal friendship.
Give your relationship a workoutWritten by Kwame DeRoche
Have you ever had a fight over nothing? Seems like a dumb question, doesn’t it? It just doesn’t make sense. But if you’re dating, or know someone who is, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You say: ‘What’s matter?’
They say: ‘Nothing.’
You say: ‘Are you sure?’
They say: ‘It’s nothing.’
You say: ‘It’s obviously something. You look upset.’
They say: ‘You’re an (expletive).’
You say: ‘Huh?’
And so it begins. She calls him names. He brings up something from 3 weeks ago. The ex boyfriend comes up. He says something he really doesn’t mean. You can end up arguing about this for another half hour, just to find out that she had a crappy commute this morning, or that he doesn’t think you spend enough time together. In end, you’re drained, exhausted, and can’t believe you just used up all that energy. Your heart is racing. That vein in your forehead is throbbing. You want some water. You feel like you just ran a marathon.
You just had a relationship workout.
As much as your delts, biceps or quads, you’ve gotta exercise your relationship every once in a while. Give it a little stretch. Unfortunately, most people overlook easiest way to put energy into their relationship and feel exhausted at end – rolling around on floor, making sweet monkey love to one another. No, they seem to prefer often-pointless yelling matches about whose turn it is to wash dishes, or why socks are in middle of living room floor. And in an ironic twist, it’s most likely to happen when one or both of you is at your most tired.
A tried-and-true relationship workout is getting caught in a lie. Because we all know, most people won’t just admit that they lied. They’ll talk in circles. They’ll make up excuses. Or worse, they’ll make up MORE lies. If you’re dealing with a professional, this can go on for days. For liar, this works mouth muscles, and agility, because they have to do a lot of fancy footwork. For party being lied to, workout is focused on belly and jaw, where they’re keeping their mouth shut and squeezing their abdominals to keep from laughing at your outrageous story.
Another example? The ever-popular ‘I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s matter. You should already know.’ Now we all know this means you’re in trouble. And even bigger trouble because you don’t even know what you did wrong. At this point, asking other party to tell you what you did wrong is roughly equivalent of tearing off a scab size of a Buick. It’s only going to serve to piss them off even more. But what do you do? You see, this part of workout is just a warm-up. You’ve got to use up a lot of energy just to find out what you’ll be arguing about. So pace yourself. It’s a most challenging set.