“For ourselves,” group muttered.

“You’re only third group I’ve spoken to who’s known that,” speaker replied.

FORGIVE FOR YOURSELF

Most of us do realize these days that we forgive for ourselves. The perpetrator of act requiring forgiveness has done what they’ve done, which largely can’t be undone, and probably are getting on with their life. If we continue to harbor rancor and resentment, we make ourselves doubly victim. Whether or not we forgive other person makes difference mostly to us, not them. If we do forgive, we can then, like them, get on with our lives.

Forgiveness, then, can be unilateral. While sometimes we will do this with another person, listening to their explanation and/or accepting their apology, and saying words, “I forgive you,” we can also do this without other. We can do this on paper, journaling or writing person a letter we never send, in a therapist’s office, confiding in a trusted friend, in our own minds, or in prayer or meditation.

TRUST IS BILATERAL

Trust, however, is another thing.

Whether act requiring forgiveness is a lie, 10 years of drinking, or an extramarital affair, if relationship with other person is to continue, forgiveness is just beginning. Regained trust is goal, and another beginning.

When you seek to forgive a person who’s harmed you and to continue in relationship, you need to work on trust aspects. Understand that this, unlike forgiveness, is not a “given.” You can grant forgiveness. The other must earn back trust, and you have a right to expect this be done.

Haven’t you heard someone who’s had an affair saying, “It’s like she doesn’t trust me. I told her it was over. I don’t understand why she’s so suspicious.” And then they go on to name acts of offended spouse they consider “paranoid,” such as monitoring cell phone bills, checking on time away from home, and watching closely at social functions.

Yes, “no pain no gain” has its place. It fits for cognitive learning experiences, like struggling to learn a new language, or new theory; and physical endeavors, like weight lifting and increasing your ability to jog, but when it comes to emotional experiences, we don’t benefit from negative. It takes a tremendous toll.

One of immediate goals of emotional intelligence is to increase your self-awareness. Not to point where you spend all your time analyzing yourself and looking inward, but enough so you can assess quickly your emotional states, and, more importantly, cost they have for you.

WHAT DO YOU FEEL?

At rudimentary level, you can learn by asking yourself several times a day, “How am I feeling?” Don’t answer it superficially, but rather at level of how you’re feeling physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In this way, you can learn physiological signals to your own emotions. For instance, I have talked with people who didn’t realize their stomach was “in knots” because it always had been, and that’s way they thought it should be. Or you may not connect that sudden pain in your neck with proper antecedent. I remember driving back to town with a friend after a weekend away, and as we got closer to home, she started talking about her boyfriend, and not in very positive ways. As she did, she started stroking, twisting and ‘cracking’ her neck, which was evidently getting tighter due to fact that her boyfriend was sounding to me, at any rate, like proverbial “pain in neck,” though she wasn’t aware of it until I put two together for her. Up to that point in trip she had been pain-free. This is not a good sign re: relationship!

WHERE DO YOU FEEL IT?

When you begin to recognize physical signs quickly, you can do what it takes to protect yourself. We say that certain people “drain us,” and this means drain important energy we could be using elsewhere to better advantage.

WHY DO YOU FEEL IT?