Forgiveness is Not the Same as Trust

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach

In a presentationrepparttar other day which rambled over topics of self-help,repparttar 126126 speaker at one point askedrepparttar 126127 group, “Why do we forgive?”

“For ourselves,”repparttar 126128 group muttered.

“You’re onlyrepparttar 126129 third group I’ve spoken to who’s known that,”repparttar 126130 speaker replied.


Most of us do realize these days that we forgive for ourselves. The perpetrator ofrepparttar 126131 act requiring forgiveness has done what they’ve done, which largely can’t be undone, and probably are getting on with their life. If we continue to harbor rancor and resentment, we make ourselves doublyrepparttar 126132 victim. Whether or not we forgiverepparttar 126133 other person makesrepparttar 126134 difference mostly to us, not them. If we do forgive, we can then, like them, get on with our lives.

Forgiveness, then, can be unilateral. While sometimes we will do this with another person, listening to their explanation and/or accepting their apology, and sayingrepparttar 126135 words, “I forgive you,” we can also do this withoutrepparttar 126136 other. We can do this on paper, journaling or writingrepparttar 126137 person a letter we never send, in a therapist’s office, confiding in a trusted friend, in our own minds, or in prayer or meditation.


Trust, however, is another thing.

Whetherrepparttar 126138 act requiring forgiveness is a lie, 10 years of drinking, or an extramarital affair, ifrepparttar 126139 relationship withrepparttar 126140 other person is to continue, forgiveness is justrepparttar 126141 beginning. Regained trust isrepparttar 126142 goal, and another beginning.

When you seek to forgive a person who’s harmed you and to continue inrepparttar 126143 relationship, you need to work onrepparttar 126144 trust aspects. Understand that this, unlike forgiveness, is not a “given.” You can grantrepparttar 126145 forgiveness. The other must earn backrepparttar 126146 trust, and you have a right to expect this be done.

Haven’t you heard someone who’s had an affair saying, “It’s like she doesn’t trust me. I told her it was over. I don’t understand why she’s so suspicious.” And then they go on to namerepparttar 126147 acts ofrepparttar 126148 offended spouse they consider “paranoid,” such as monitoring cell phone bills, checking on time away from home, and watching closely at social functions.

Trust is hard to build, very hard to rebuild once shattered. If you want to earn back trust, here are some things you will have to do, consistently and over time. The onus is on you to over-communicate and over-act untilrepparttar 126149 fragile thread of trust becomes stronger.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach

While we all, at some level, understand that we’re motivated by pain and pleasure, it’s amazing how we can learn, especially in our Western culture, to ignorerepparttar concomitant fact that moving toward pleasure makes us feel good, and is good for our health, while moving toward pain doesrepparttar 126125 opposite.

Yes, “no pain no gain” has its place. It fits for cognitive learning experiences, like struggling to learn a new language, or new theory; and physical endeavors, like weight lifting and increasing your ability to jog, but when it comes to emotional experiences, we don’t benefit fromrepparttar 126126 negative. It takes a tremendous toll.

One ofrepparttar 126127 immediate goals of emotional intelligence is to increase your self-awareness. Not torepparttar 126128 point where you spend all your time analyzing yourself and looking inward, but enough so you can assess quickly your emotional states, and, more importantly,repparttar 126129 cost they have for you.


Atrepparttar 126130 rudimentary level, you can learn by asking yourself several times a day, “How am I feeling?” Don’t answer it superficially, but rather atrepparttar 126131 level of how you’re feeling physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In this way, you can learnrepparttar 126132 physiological signals to your own emotions. For instance, I have talked with people who didn’t realize their stomach was “in knots” because it always had been, and that’srepparttar 126133 way they thought it should be. Or you may not connect that sudden pain in your neck withrepparttar 126134 proper antecedent. I remember driving back to town with a friend after a weekend away, and as we got closer to home, she started talking about her boyfriend, and not in very positive ways. As she did, she started stroking, twisting and ‘cracking’ her neck, which was evidently getting tighter due torepparttar 126135 fact that her boyfriend was sounding to me, at any rate, likerepparttar 126136 proverbial “pain inrepparttar 126137 neck,” though she wasn’t aware of it until I putrepparttar 126138 two together for her. Up to that point inrepparttar 126139 trip she had been pain-free. This is not a good sign re:repparttar 126140 relationship!


When you begin to recognizerepparttar 126141 physical signs quickly, you can do what it takes to protect yourself. We say that certain people “drain us,” and this means drain important energy we could be using elsewhere to better advantage.


The next step is to ask yourself WHY you feel that way. Emotions are often complex and when you learn to sort through them, you find that some variables that contribute to them can be changed or avoided, such as being too hot, or too lonely; but that in other cases, there’s nothing you can change, such as a person or situation that continually drains your energy. No matter how else you’re feeling, even if you’re completely rested and feeling great, you find this person or situation always hasrepparttar 126142 same result. In that case, ifrepparttar 126143 toll is high, and you payrepparttar 126144 price every time,repparttar 126145 wise choice would be to eliminate this situation or person.

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