Odd how frightening unknown can be.

The other day, I encountered something so rare and unusual, it was like a dream.

The last unexplored and little understood frontier.

Floorspace.

With two boys in house, pandemonium is norm. Both toys and clothing desert confines of bureaus and shelves, instead preferring to claim their rightful place on bedroom floor where they are much closer to hand.

The wide expanses upon which we walk provide a home to all that land upon it - wrappers, paper, books, blankets, hermit crabs...

Oh...that's another story.

The reassuring squishes, crunches and snaps bring comfort to young overseers, confident that somewhere below...the floor is there.

I entered this domain with an awe borne of my desensitisation to shock at sight. Valiant and determined forays to tame wilderness had always been undone by its rapid regrowth, rivaling any spreading menace known to man.

It all started with a campaign by owls to secure extended rights for night workers, including enhanced rates of pay, regular meal breaks and assurances that they would not be penalized for refusing to work overtime. Some employers tried to get owls in trouble in certain parts of country. They did this by contacting their local branches of Health and Safety Department and complaining about owls' unsavoury habit of regurgitating their food where it could be likely to cause contamination. But after a long court battle owls won on a technicality.

Union activity has become increasingly important for birds. A landmark ruling has seen a Bill of Rights for chickens and turkeys become law in England and Wales. This will ensure enforcement of

1) The right to be anaesthetised (or preferably deceased) when plucked and 2) The right to be cooked at correct temperature as well as more controversial 3) Right not to be covered in grease and sold in truckers' cafés.

Pigeons have been keen union activists for a long time. Six years ago they broke away from birds' Musicians Union claiming that other birds (and approximately 90% of humans) were discriminating against them. Things came to a head after a series of complaints about pigeons' monotonous calls (we are not allowed to refer to these calls as birdsong as this has been outlawed under an adaptation of human "Trades Descriptions Act"). Larks and warblers and others calling themselves "proper" songbirds managed to put together a large petition calling into question pigeons' status as musicians and insisting that their rights and privileges be renegotiated. The "proper" songbirds described pigeons' calls as "nothing more than cheap and repetitive sampling which contributes nothing to music industry . . ."

Seagulls are being seen in greater numbers these days in some of our more inland towns and cities. This is because, due to dramatic fall in fish stocks in North Sea, many seagulls have been decommissioned. The gulls who have remained in industry have found their activities severely curtailed. A major contributory factor to gulls' problems has been unfair competition from human fishing "trawlers" which are equipped to handle vast quantities of raw fish. A spokesman for Seabird Federation said:

"We have passed point of no return. Young birds have seen problems their parents have had to face. They have decided not to go into fishing. It's very sad. They just spend all day walking round town centres eating out of discarded fish and chip wrappers. . ."