Five Ways to Manage Difficult EldersWritten by Phyllis Staff, Ph.D.
'You are old, Father William', young man said, 'And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?' Lewis Carroll (1865) My grandmother was original matriarch. When she barked "frog," only acceptable response was "how high?" She was hard to deal with in her last days, surprising no one. Not being brightest penny in family bag, I reacted emotionally to her complaints, judgments, and demands. Rather than leave immediately, I stood my ground, trying to defend my relatives and myself from her relentless attacks. As a result, we were not speaking when she died. Had I understood what I was facing, had I tried to put myself in her shoes, our story could have had a better ending. In hopes that your story will have a more satisfying ending, I offer a few of tricks for dealing with difficult elders I've learned since then. 1) Make a plan BEFORE a crisis The best way to deal with difficult parents is to avoid as many problems as possible by planning how you will handle them before they arise. Pick a time when ALL family members can meet in person or on a conference call to discuss what you will do when a family member needs help. Take focus off elderly Family members by fully including them in planning and making certain they have a role to play. Be sure to take notes! Share them with all family members to verify your family agreements. In difficult situations, you might want to ask family members to sign and return a copy of any agreement. Here are a few of issues you may want to address: Physical Location How will you help a family member when they live in another town? Can you be an effective long-distance caregiver, and, if so, how? If not, who will move, and when should that move happen? Roles Who will be responsible for what? Will you share expenses equally, or will you balance money versus time contributions? What will happen when there are disagreements? How will you handle changes in individual circumstances? How will you react to threats to health and safety? Differentiate preferences and requirements. If it's more than a preference that family members not live together, get it out on table before a crisis erupts. Document Planning Where will you store important documents such as Wills, Power of attorney, Insurance policies, and Deeds of trust. Who will have access to these documents? And under what circumstances? 2) Stretch your patience muscle Remember your excitement when you crossed threshold of adulthood? When you first got a driver's license? When you got your first job? When you found your first apartment and could decorate it all on your own? Then think about how you would feel if you had to give up adult privileges, one by one. What you're feeling now may closely approximate feelings of your difficult parent. But your elder's feelings cannot be imagined away. Your difficult parent may fear ˇBecoming invisible; ˇSeeing themselves as useless or stupid; ˇLosing their friends; ˇLosing physical abilities; ˇBecoming dependent. By imagining yourself in their place, you may react more sympathetically and suitably. 3) Forget "Parenting Your Parent" One of least helpful ideas in our current culture is notion that as your parents age, you become their parent. Stuff and Nonsense! You are NOT your parent's parent, nor will you ever be. Your role may be friend, confidant, caregiver, and supporter, but when you take role of parent, you diminish your elder by reducing them to position of child. No wonder they react negatively. Wouldn't you?
| | A New Family HistoryWritten by Caron Goode
Have you ever felt trapped by your family history? Many of us were raised by loving, well-meaning parents, many of whom had very bad health habits. Perhaps our parents smoked cigarettes, followed unhealthy diets, lived with too much stress or one of a hundred other things that we know today will rob us of quality of our lives. This thought leads us to next logical idea ... what type of family history are we creating for OUR children? The good news is this. No matter what type of home you were raised in or what habits you have formed up to now, you can start a new family history beginning today! And Internet will help. To begin with, it's fair to say that everyone wants to live in good health. Given a choice of being well or being ill, what would you choose? Let's look together at three powerful ways to begin a new family history today and how Internet can help us reach that goal. 1. Vitamins and supplements. For over 25 years idea of a "one time per day" multi vitamin had been thought to be good enough. Now we know that, while this is a good starting point, it's just not enough for today's busy lifestyle. The good news is that there are web sites a plenty that can help you find right balance of vitamins for you. Look for sites that offer lists of "symptoms" (like 'sleepy all time' or 'hard to get out of bed in morning') and then go on to offer specific information about how to overcome those challenges. 2. Exercise. Another multi-billion dollar industry that excels in selling products. Look for sites that offer information specific to your life. A great first step is to write down your current situation. Are you over 50? Under 20? In great shape now? Can't make a flight of stairs without stopping?
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