Do you know how to date? I’m not talking about calling up someone and asking them out. I’m talking about really dating. Romancing
other person. Whoever took it out needs to put it back in! We need it. Dating … we set a date for a doctor’s appointment, a tennis game, a court hearing, a wedding. Ah hah! It implies intention; that something important enough is going to happen that you’ve put in on your calendar, and not just penciled in.
Dating rituals seem to be falling by wayside, and I’m not sure it’s for best. The purpose of dating hasn’t changed, has it? To meet someone of other sex? Well that’s what we say, but we’re hoping it will work out, meaning we’ll get along, hit it off, become a couple, enjoy time and kisses together, eventually marrying.
It’s all about possibility. It’s all about mystery. Expectations, met or dashed. Dreams coming true. Love. Romance.
So what are elements needing to be present?
The first is time-thing. After all it’s datING, meaning it’s going to go on for a while. I’m reminded of a conversation I heard between a friend of mine, Carrie, and her younger sister. We were listening to some song on radio about anticipation … getting faint at thought of making love with someone, dying of longing, that sort of thing.
“How come that never happened to me?” said Carrie.
“It’s because you always jumped right into bed with them,” said her older sister.
There’s something to be said for letting tension mount, about letting other person fantasize for a while.
Meanwhile, build a little illusion. Back in my college days, we actually had co-ed dorms. The guys never saw us with our hair in rollers or without our makeup. They never saw our messy rooms. No, it wasn’t realistic, but that’s sort of what it’s all about … something nearly perfect, something staged, something special.
After all, there’s a time to experience your knight in shining armor unshaven, with bad breath, farting under sheets, but it can wait. You have to fall in love with him before you can tolerate these things!
There's no need to worry about realism showing up. There will always be plenty of floors to mop, dirty diapers to change, and spreadsheets to type. It's fantasy-moments that are in short supply.
A little illusion is part of it. I don’t mean lying about your alcoholism or marital status. I mean making it a little bigger than life. Once you’ve chosen a good candidate, take time and effort to make something out of it; this mirrors energy you’d be willing to put into a commitment, a marriage. Dress up, put on cologne or after-shave, buy a new pair of shoes. Be on time. It shows you think it’s important.
Use your emotional intelligence. Let anxiety and excitement be a part of it. Don’t jump gun. We want what we can’t have. We appreciate what we have to work for. We devalue something that comes easy. We ignore what’s plentiful.
Be willing to endure – in fact learn to enjoy – uneasy feelings. Will he like me as much as I like him? What will she be like in bed? He hasn’t called in 2 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes; is it over? Will she go away with me for a weekend if I ask?
Rushing into bed, demanding early commitments, whining for reassurance, and revealing blemishes before blushes is wishing it all away. That’s why people have affairs after all – for newness, intrigue, mystery, suspense and wooing. Buckingham and Clifton call WOOing, Winning Others Over. We act like we don’t like it, but there’s no greater thrill than working to win someone else over and having a little trouble with it. After all, think about an arranged marriage: “Here, Matthew. Here is your bride.” You miss hunt, but with hunt comes uncertainty.
Men need to go through drill. They need to pursue and be thwarted and then to win. And we women? We need to be courted. Why? Because we’re that way.
I was listening to two other dating friends other day. One of them was in high angst! “He hasn’t called this week,” Anne was saying. “I’m afraid he’s gone back to his ex-wife. I adored him. We had a great time. I hate this. I HATE IT!”
