You toss and turn, trying to wake up from a recurring nightmare that has you in its grip.Four generations of family members are descending on your house for this year's Christmas dinner. It's suppose to be a happy occasion, so why are you in a cold sweat? Tension rises and tempers flare. Your daughter-in-law flees from you, stung by your simple request to be quiet already, she's getting on your last good nerve. Your mother-in-law tells you for
umpteenth time how lucky you are to have snagged her son. Your grandchildren are trying to hide a snicker about weird way you and great-grandma talk and dress. You are seriously ticked off because your mother and mother-in-law refuse to accept undeniable fact that you are a grandparent, and should be respected accordingly. You and your husband are beside yourself, and out of frustration you act like enemies instead of each other's support system. All in all, it is a dream from hell.
And then you wake up and discover that it isn't a dream after all. God forbid, they aren't coming to dinner! They live with you.
Although statistics show that intergenerational families are a common occurrence, it is still one of least talked about family situations.
We women seldom talk about it, because we don't want to embarrass our loved ones. We bear our burdens, almost in silence, sharing our frustrations only with our few remaining friends.
If this situation hasn't come to your house yet, not to worry. It will. Give it a year or two. If you are a baby boomer like me, and fortunate enough to have a living parent (or parents), it will come. And sadly, time is not with us with regard to keeping this repository of wisdom and information with us forever. We need to capture it while time permits.
We Boomers don't think of ourselves as "older," but let's face it, we are generation most able to articulate our accumulated experiences, wisdom, and other information critical to helping our children,grandchildren, and those not yet born understand why they are way they are. Our knowledge holds key to their recognizing if not avoiding sand traps, and other dangerous situations.
Here's good news. There is no need to be a victim of this situation, or wait until all we can say is I shoulda, woulda, coulda. You have capacity to change things, to bring understanding and joy into your intergenerational family. You have capacity to capture history and share it with generations to come. There is nothing that brings a sense of purpose, self-esteem, and fulfillment like having a formal, documented account, memoirs if you will, that chronicles your own history.
The process has three simple steps and is actually a lot of fun.
Step 1: Create your own memoirs, or become an angel of mercy and help an older family member get started. If two or more like each other's company, consider collaboration among family members.
Begin at beginning. What is your earliest memory of your childhood home? A picture really is worth a thousand words. Draw a picture of it that will literally map this part of your story. You don't have to be Picasso. Start with a rectangle, about size of a regular sheet of paper. Draw your house. Lay out your street, then streets in your neighborhood. Who were people and what were they like? What were you favorite places? Why? Maybe you didn't exactly live on a street. My map included our house, yard, chickens, corn crib, ditch, a path through patch and another leading up pasture. Everything we did contributed to getting food, getting our lessons, going to church, and normal games siblings play on each other. The main characters were my family, dominated by my mother and grandfather. Whatever else I wrote about, these were recurring people and themes.
Next, write down everything you remember about each part of picture you've just drawn. Write it as it comes to you. Give depth and character to your pictures. Write what you feel. Keep writing until you can actually smell food, reach out and touch your favorite chair, or hear your mother's voice calling to you. You'll have time later to sort it all out. Some of it will make you weep, and others will have you rolling on floor with glee.
