Written by Sherlock Tidpit

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS ...or, are you surerepparttar power is off?

-- By Sherlock Tidpit, a jest-in-time™ technology expert, (and amateur sci-fi investigator of certain rare extra-terrestrial phenomena such asrepparttar 118074 timid “Stippleback Sourpuss”,repparttar 118075 ever-elusive, wingless “Surly Spatterbug”, andrepparttar 118076 invisible, two-tailed “Soiled Specklemonger”)

A recent survey by WHAMS, (World Hoof & Mouth Society), indicates that more people these days are putting their feet (and in some cases hoofs) in their mouths than ever before.

Evidence suggests that a pandemic plague in frequent flopping, habitual botching, and ubiquitous blundering from such convexed contortions could have a deleterious effect uponrepparttar 118077 health and well-being of all living things onrepparttar 118078 planet.

Leading scientific researchers, (just a titch left of centre), attribute this rather odd behavior or recreational pastime torepparttar 118079 indubitable fact that humans require a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame during their lifetime (no matter whatrepparttar 118080 cost orrepparttar 118081 consequences). A minority group of right-wing researchers onrepparttar 118082 fringes of frank thought and utilitarian understanding argue that this behavior is not unusual or statistically significant since large mammals with feet outnumber mouths by a factor of 2:1 and, in some cases, by as much as 4:1.

Healers from aroundrepparttar 118083 globe, (a traditionally spell-binding, pill-popping, and cut-it-out group of practitioners), have however been a tad overwhelmed byrepparttar 118084 flood of fools showing up for treatment at medical facilities, truth temples, and local fix-it shops.

Onrepparttar 118085 other hand, dentists everywhere, (a traditionally happy-go-lucky lot), are reporting a higher burn-out rate than expected, due to an alarming increase inrepparttar 118086 rate of emergency hoof extraction procedures performed on hordes of frantic fools turned away byrepparttar 118087 physicians, hands-on-healers, and snake charmers.

Grief counselors and social workers from every nook and cranny, (a traditionally taciturn group of professionals), are disturbed byrepparttar 118088 chronic level of under-funding for programs to assistrepparttar 118089 victims of foot folly who’ve fallen not surprisingly betweenrepparttar 118090 cracks. They will be launching a petition shortly to lobby government officials for more money, or failing that, atrepparttar 118091 very least ... an opportunity to be touched by an angel, dabbed byrepparttar 118092 wand of a fairy godmother, or maybe a night out onrepparttar 118093 town with "The Man from Glad".

Transnational financial institutions (a traditionally tight-wad group of titans with a penchant for taboo tattoos) have expressed concern aboutrepparttar 118094 never-before-seen deluge in requests from distraught dingbats, wayward wingnuts, and testy tomfools wishing to cash out their savings or cash-in their insurance policies. This unprecedented activity is jammingrepparttar 118095 phone lines to call centres, crashing computer systems, and overheatingrepparttar 118096 economy leading to a currency crisis, an inflated funny-money supply, and an exponential growth in money-laundering machines (that won't take quarters).


Written by Victoria Elizabeth

Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2005.

For Immediate Release - March 9, 2005


VICTORIA -- The capital of British Columbia will play host on April 1, 2005 torepparttar 1st Annual “Feast of Fools”, in honor ofrepparttar 118073 city’s most coveted award as a “Cultural Capital” of Canada, and a disparaging shortage of greeting cards to celebrate "All Fools Day"!

Organized by F.O.P.S. (the Fools on Parade Society), this festive folly will raise awareness of and support forrepparttar 118074 valuable and vital role performed byrepparttar 118075 fool in our society.

President of FOPS, Pierre Buldoo (CEO of PinkElephants2go.com, a newly-minted, jest-in-time™ technology firm of nerds and noodleheads) stated in an interview, "We stand behind this event because it exemplifiesrepparttar 118076 saucy spirit of all those who make this 'Land of Flakes, Fruitcakes and Nutbars' home."

FOPS event coordinator, Iona Buttsworth, (the former Duchess of Dither), indicated that "this odd occasion will appeal to everyone who wants to let their 'Inner Fool' come out to play after dark." She added that "besides mixing, mingling and munching,repparttar 118077 ‘Feast of Fools’ encourages people to show off their hilarious haberdashery, strut their silly walks, or simply sally forth in their most outrageous outfits...not to mention a fine opportunity for flibbertigibbets to sing soppy songs, flaneurs to recite loopy limericks, and flapdoodlers to draw a droodle or two".

Tourism officials are said to be quite elated atrepparttar 118078 prospect of a "boon in buffoons" torepparttar 118079 local economy.

Costume rental shops report brisk business in trying to keep up withrepparttar 118080 insatiable demand of name-dropping nincompoops looking for funky fashions and gaudy gowns to wear torepparttar 118081 event.

Paparazzi, politicians and port authorities are falling all over themselves to be first in line to welcomerepparttar 118082 "Ship of Fools" expected to dock with a VIP aboard.

The vaudevillian vessel, carrying all manner of vanity-conscious voyageurs, also includes a little-known, ripsnorting royal named HRH “Victoria Elizabeth” (a.k.a. “The Quipping Queen”). “She-who-must be obeyed”, (as she is sometimes referred to by her false friends and wonky well-wishers), will be accompanied on this official visit by an eclectic entourage of quirky courtiers led by Viscount Bedfont (a somnambulant sexagenarian).

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