Essence of InfidelityWritten by Susan Sheppard
Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This is a shocking statistic! What happens between time marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating? It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love triangle.I decided to tackle unearthing real truth about how and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of other’s philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before marriage vows were uttered. Let’s go back to beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by woman’s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in predicament dictated by an affair? I think predicament results from general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically presupposed that fidelity is most precious aspect of marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for same reasons? I don’t think so.I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is highest value of marriage. I don’t presume to have all answers, but possibly some suggestions as to seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and state of “in love” creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with important values you have designated to be essential in person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think rules of marriage and boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever “it” is.According to Man/Woman Strategy
| | Pick Up Your Pen and Lose Weight!Written by Patti Testerman
Although every dieter knows that keeping food records is a key to permanent weight loss, few understand importance of also keeping an “emotional journal.” In fact, one dieter lost 100 pounds, thanks in part to insights gained through daily journaling.Dieting for weight loss can be as simple as keeping that food diary, or (the more challenging) dipping into dark waters of psyche. For example, which emotions motivate, sabotage, side-track, or inspire? Which people are supportive, which ones undermine your focus with snide remarks or constant invitations to ice cream? All will be revealed inside your private journal. Of all journal exercises for gaining insight, a favorite is “Letter to My Body.” In this exercise, dieter actually pens a letter to self, being as honest as possible. A sample might be “Dear Fat Body, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I hate your rolls of fat on me, I hate that my knees hurt, I hate that you’d rather have a Danish than let me feel good about myself. I hate that you’ve been good all day and I know that tonight you’ll be a pig.” What does that type of letter accomplish? For many—instead of adding to an already huge portion of self-loathing—it provides a powerful way of recognizing and reversing trigger situations. In this example, when nighttime does come and journaler heads for pint of Ben and Jerry’s, there’s a good chance letter will be remembered. And, an even better chance that instead of eating a pint, some or none will be chosen.
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