Emotional Intelligence and the Gentle Art of ConversationWritten by Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach
Having just returned from a cruise, where I was seated nightly with a table of 10 strangers, I was reminded of many definitions of ^emotional intelligence.^When I ask laypeople what EQ means, they respond “common sense,” or “manners,” or “knowing how to get along.” These are good definitions. And nowhere is this more evident than in gentle art of dinner-table conversation. WHAT ARE THE RULES? They used to be -- nothing controversial. This included religion, sex, money and politics. How far we have strayed from this. It was also inferred that nothing unpleasant should be discussed: problems with in-laws, unemployment, incest … need I go on? WHAT DOES THIS LEAVE? Let’s use this quote from Samuel Johnson, a writer back in times when men of letters spoke on matters of decorum: “That is happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments.” Dinner-table conversation is not a time to complain, rage, or stress others. It’s a time to keep those things to yourself, and find pleasant things to talk about in a pleasant tone of voice. Yes, it takes discipline. It requires Intentionality, a high-level EQ competency. The intent is to talk about something informative, pleasant and enlightening. In other words, be ^good company^. Can you do that? If not, why not? Think about it. On a cruise, you would think there would be plenty of pleasant things to talk about, wouldn’t you? Rather, it’s an example that you take your happiness with you. I speak on cruises and have had ample time to sample this theory. Some people spend whole cruise complaining. YES/NO Here are some positive and negative examples that occurred at my dining table on this last cruise. Names have been changed to protect guilty. *Madame Winifred, a self-appointed ambassador for cruise line due to money she had spent cruising. Overdressed and arrogant, she spent entire time monopolizing conversation with vanity comments and being judgmental about staff. We had to simply talk over her, or ignore her and break into one-on-one conversations for relief, as there were no breaks in her monologues. *Sally entertained us with tales about teaching preschool and her trip across US by Amtrak. Also her childhood growing up as daughter of an ambassador. Could’ve bragged, but didn’t. She spoke a few sentences, and then tipped conversation someone else’s way - i.e., “…and so we moved every 2-3 years … what about you, Susan?” *Nurse Teresa informed us jovially about her day in Calica dwelling on negatives with humor. It was her first cruise. She asked rest of us seasoned cruisers questions which made us all feel important. This is always a plus in a conversation. A talented conversationalist doesn’t monopolize conversation. *Doctor Bob probably scored high on ^able to love and be loved^ category on VIA strengths profile (www.authentichappiness.com). Seated first night between Winifred and a drunk woman who never returned, he remained cordial and charming. BTW, showing up drunk is not high EQ.
| | "Eight Steps to Taking Control of Every Situation in Your Life!"Written by Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.
Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape. Challenge upon challenge confronts us, walls restrain us, and a mob of spectators mocks, sneers, or cheers us. Each and every day brings new battles whether we want them or not and whether we're up to them or not. Life forces us to face one skirmish after another - no choice in matter. What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to be, victor or victim. Being a victim in this social arena translates into having bad relationships. Most people are victims - victims of their own perceptions. That's because people don't develop and listen to their own unique, authentic self. Rather they allow their mental spectators - those little tyrants rattling around in their heads - to tell them second by second how to fight their battles, what they can and cannot do. These tyrants applaud and they hiss, they encourage and they discourage. These mental spectators are memories of judgments of real-life people. For example, it's memory of your aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich, because you're not going far on brains." It's echo of your father growling, "You've got a back problem - no spine." And their influence over your relationships can't be overestimated. Millions of people accept judgments of their mental spectators as truth and, therefore, mediocre results that come from believing those judgments. With so many people living this way, question becomes, is this way I have to live? Fortunately, answer is not unless you want to. Once you identify your mental spectators - and your interactions with them - you can move beyond victim and assume role of victor. What it takes are eight steps for getting command, eight steps you can apply to most any situation you want altered. You can positively influence your relationships, your employment options, any aspect of your life. Let's look at steps. 1. Define What Ails You. Ask, what's my problem? Am I a jealous weasel, troubled that others have what I want? Am I ticked off most of time? Am I sad and whiney? Anxiety ridden? Moody? All of above? Without this step, you're doomed. It will take personal courage, but you won't get results without identifying what ails you. 2. Discover Effects. Ask, how are my problems affecting my life? Am I a lousy parent, a friendless dork, a backstabber, a slut, a drunk, a junkie? Am I none of above, but someone who is less than I could be? This step requires absolute self-honesty, but truth will help set you free. 3. Seek Source. Ask, from where are my problems coming? Who are my real and my mental spectators? What do my mental spectators look like, say, and do? Exactly who or what is keeping me from taking command of my life? This could be one of most incredible experiences of your life. You will look into abyss and see who is looking back.
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