Here are some tongue-in-cheek (or burger-in-belly) suggestions for how you can turn even greasiest, sugariest, most overprocessed calorie bomb into lean, mean diet food.

How is this done? Here’s a hint: it’s all in how you choose to look at food...

1. Eat donuts instead of solid pastries. You will be saving a tremendous number of calories by eating something with a hole in middle. You can save upwards of 3 to 5 calories per pastry by doing this. That means if you eat 10 donuts, you’ve saved yourself almost 50 calories! Besides, everyone knows nuts are good for you...

2. French fries can help prevent heart attacks. It is a fact that French people suffer fewer heart attacks and have lower rates of heart disease. French fries are obviously from France, therefore it naturally follows that French fries can prevent heart disease.

3. Pizza is one of healthiest foods on planet. There are many reasons for this:

-The bleached flour in crust sucks up all grease that drips down from toppings, trapping it so you don’t see it while you’re eating. If you don’t see it when you eat it, it has no calories.

-It’s round (stay with me here). Because square-shaped foods have corners, they contain a lot more calories than round foods. To save even more calories, cut a hole in center of pizza (refer back to #1 for full details).

-The cheese on pizza is loaded with calcium - even more than Tums you’re going to need after eating whole thing.

-You can easily reduce your servings without sacrificing enjoyment. Instead of cutting pizza into 8 slices, try cutting it into only 4. You’ve just eaten HALF number of slices you ate before! Imagine how many calories you’ll save by doing that!