In Southern Germany in a town by name of Bayreuth, German police are in a quandary. The town’s dog poo is under attack. Park officials are desperate to resolve what could become an international incident. Unknown person or persons have been sticking little US flags into piles of doggie poo for over a year now.

Surprisingly dog poo brigade has managed to target between 2,000 to 3,000 abandoned piles of excrement in Bayreuth public parks. Quite who actually counted them all and provided these statistics is debatable but source is rumoured as coming from Parks Administrator – Josef Oettl. And you wondered what your parkie did each day?

IT'S FUNKY FEBRUARY OF COURSE! (Calendar of Odd Events for - FEBRUARY 2005)

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon --

Why is everyone so happy?

Because it's festive, flirtatious and frolicking February of course -- ahem ...the shortest month of year. So find yourself some frisky fortune cookies and have fun!!

Merry-making males better beware, because who knows when all those feisty females will cash in their "frequent flubber" cards, (you know, ones with little red hearts all over them.) By way, toss those Twinkies all you Princes of Pucker Power!!!

Aquarians will need to put down their personal diaries for a moment and listen (which is a difficult task for warter-carriers like you). Say, aren't you rainbow-inspired, paragliding, Uranus folk with weird friends who get a real kick out of telling others what needs to be done? Oh do stop gloating, it doesn't become you. And yes, we all know it’s now your turn to run zodiac! (Thank God it's only for a month!)

On other hand, if you’re a ridiculous rooster or heartbroken hen-pecker with a touch of barnyard blues, you’re probably relieved to know that your twelve-year cycle in Chinese astrological calendar has finally arrived. (Oh whoopee-ding for everyone else!)

And, if you were just waking up after a long winter nap like groundhog, you’d just as soon hit frigging snooze alarm button, and grab a bit more shut-eye before facing a wild bunch of cavorting Cupids on Valentine’s Day!

So, without further adieu…here’s what you can do to keep yourself tickled pink for entire month of February:

February 1: INTERNATIONAL DAYDREAMING DAY (time to see who can gaze vacantly into space longest …while listening to a long-winded lecture or munching on molecules)

February 2: HUG A GROUNDHOG DAY (time to press flesh with grunt and groan types who seem to spend most of their time in barnyard of life chasing their own shadows -- and check out what Wiaraton Willie has to say for himself)

February 3: AQUARIUS HERITAGE DAY (beware of water carrying geniuses eating unusual food and are a tad independent, mentally odd, tactless, or eccentric for their own good)

February 4: NATIONAL 'PASS THE BUCK' DAY (a wonderful way to honor those who are forever delegating dirty jobs to other poor souls lower down food chain of life)

February 5: WHOOP-DE-D00 DAY (get ready to build sandcastles in air, draw outside lines, and share your favorite wind-up toys with other grown-up kids at work)

February 6: DING DONG AWARENESS DAY (time to remember when you last invited a bible-thumper or political candidate into your home to discuss future of grommets)

February 7: ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM APPRECIATION DAY (in honor of all sorts of big bogies or couch critters we ignore, and we’d just as soon others did too please!)

February 8: GET THEE TO A MUMMERY DAY (time to dress up and pantomime or lip-sync your all-time favorite celebrity or perhaps a cartoon character if you’re really in a pinch)