Do not Forgive: Infidelity, Unfaithfulness,Betrayal and the Dishonesty of Cheating HeartsWritten by Nevine Al Seidi
Both men and women seem to generously cheat on their other halves, these days. Society in general, seems to think that stories of cheating hearts are nothing to write home about. Research is trying to convince us that hormones, not Herculean horrendousness is to blame. And naturally, when we talk troublesome hormones, we usher to testosterone - what else? Consequently, ‘scarlet letter' goes to women, while men are left forgiven for their fundamental ‘frailty'. When I do not intend to deliver a sermon on immorality of dishonesty and betrayal, I need to pinpoint to you what unfaithfulness really means in a love relationship and in a marriage. Once definition of infidelity is determined, it is easier to see clearly what ‘forgiveness' actually means in such a situation.
As a linguist, I always start my cognition journey with thesaurus in hand. Now, what are synonyms of infidelity? Unfaithfulness, falseness, disloyalty, dishonesty, deceit, treachery and treason. And synonyms of those synonyms? Untrustworthiness, fickleness, duplicity, lying, pretense, inconsistency, capriciousness and vacillation. The sub synonyms of those? Unreliability, undependability, deviousness, changeability, uncertainty, fraudulence, insincerity, untruthfulness, double-dealing, make-believe, charade, contradiction, whimsicality, frivolity, irresponsibility, volatility, indecision, fluctuation and ambivalence. I could still derive sub-categories and feel you get picture already. Then, when a loved one, a partner, a husband, or a wife ‘cheats' on me, he/she is all of above and guilty of all above. Could there be an excuse for all above-mentioned sins and crimes? Is there a blank space somewhere where we can tuck words like: sympathy, empathy, mercy, compassion or forgiveness? If you are still confused, please buy yourself a thesaurus!
Now, if someone who is guilty of all above declares his love anew? If he is confessing his trespass and asking for a second chance? If he is promising devotion, committment and a fresh start of mutual trust? If he/she says they are yours ‘now'.. will you take them back? Now you find excuses for guilty.. you cite words like flings, crush, passing fantasy, insecurity and sexual seduction. But this cannot apply in any case you were betrayed for more than a few hours when that martyr was duped, dozed and drunk enough to lose their common sense, or if poor thing has lost his/her mind and is verging on medical insanity. But for someone who dated, fell in love, suffered longing, felt attached, devoted time, designed alibis, determined a relationship, shared his most intimate detail, and desired to be with someone else rather than be with you, it is a different story. If you call a relationship with a person who did that to you love, I wonder what hate is like. If you have heart to invest in such a relationship again, I wonder what you think of yourself.
The world abounds with people who hate us, feel jealous of us, want to harm us or are simply indifferent to our pain and suffering. I believe that to keep one of those in your own home, in your bed, in your arms is sheer madness. We forgive mistakes, but punish sins. And dishonesty is more of a sin of character. It is manifestation of falsehood of feelings we thought were love. Hormones? I would forgive a rat with minimal brain cells. But a sane person who gave me enough reason to fall in love with them and trust them with my life and future deserves one good last kick out of door. Forget about shared resources and friends, common dreams, binding children, single roof, long history and good credit. You need to rate person you are with anew. Rating him as he is today in reality as you see it clearly. And ask yourself one simple question: Could this be closest person to me in this life? The answer must still depend on two things: your sanity and your self-esteem.
Lately, I have had an experience of such a treachery that put me in shoes of other woman, or say other girlfriend, when I thought I was fit into Cinderella's. He was in a longterm relationship, not sharing a roof but a life, with someone for more than nine years. Falling for me instantly, spending a minimum of ten hours with me on phone or in person, and giving me all devotion a woman with my ego demanded, before having sex with me, gave me little reason to suspect that he was ‘tied' somewhere else too. When I found out and terminated relationship, he asked for time to sever past bond in a civilized manner - something I totally approved of. Severing relationship with his other girlfriend turned to be a dinner that lasted till 5 am one day, on birthday of his friend, a business meeting on week end that surpassed eight hours and finally, a vacation of four days to a summer resort for Easter on following evening I took him back for third time after swearing his love. My relationship was not lust, no fling, no crush, and no passing fantasy. It was big, solid, effervescent, mature, discerning love story of two people dating beyond their forty years of age and past a marriage with children. Yet, minute I realized I was cheated upon when he declared on phone that he was leaving for a vacation (with her) to sort things out and that ‘please-don't-be upset' meant he wanted his cake and eating it too, I almost giggled. My reaction was: " Suffering stops once you call a spade a spade; you know what you are? A phoney!" I did suffer for four weeks or so.. not love and loss, but wretched wrath.
Thank You For Your Patience (We'll Be With You As Soon As Possible)Written by © Carol Dorman 2003
How many times have you heard that when you make a phone call? A phone call about something which is absolutely vital to your current state of mind? A matter of utmost importance to nation's welfare...nay - WORLD'S!! ...(umm..that may be a bit exaggerated - but hey, I'm annoyed!)
It seems that every corporation, government department, odds and sods subsidiary - in fact any entity that has it's own logo - these days is incapable of providing real live people to talk to on a "first contact" basis.
Of course there is option of eventually talking to a real, live person - at least that's what we're told...by machines...but can you really trust a machine who cannot feel your pain...but I digress - as long as you have a good 20 minutes or so to spare. (yes, that is a conservative figure) Now there's a lot one can do in 20 minutes while waiting for real live person to show up at other end of phone line. Wash some dishes, clean something, think about cleaning something. Crikey, my mum could even have a batch of biscuits in oven! Not me - my bikkies taste better out of packet...