Steve and i have been best friends for about twenty years now. Like most people we've had our ups and downs over years and despite moving to different areas we've still kept in touch. In fact i really like that about our friendship, no matter what happens we'll always keep in touch and support each other. We're not really kind of best friends that contact each other every day or even every other day. On average its probably about every two to three weeks.

I suppose like most people we have tried to weave our way through life with what we have. Neither of us setting world alight when we left school with only minor school qualifications and not really being good at anything in particular.

Steve had always considered himself impaired in some way. He discovered he was dyslexic sometime later and led a dyslexic life. He didnt read or write unless forced and this ultimately had a huge impact on his life. He didnt learn much and he didnt know what was going on in world because he didnt watch news, read newspapers, books or sign up for any courses. Worst of all, he increasingly suffered from a lack of self-confidence that affected everything he did or thought about doing negatively. I noticed it more and more and it really got me down to see him like that. I tried to encourage him telling him he could do anything he wanted and giving examples of people who had achieved in their lives often against what seemed to be huge obstacles. It wasnt having much effect he just saw negative.

Unfortunately, we are not taught how to get our feelings heard and our needs met without fighting with our partner. When you are spitting mad, taking time to actually sit down and think about what is going on with you is easier said than done. Here are five STEPS that will help you get your feelings heard, your needs met, and lead to constructive problem resolution.

Set Boundaries Think before you act Express Peace Sync up and acknowledge

1) Boundaries

While you and your partner are in a good place, establish boundaries for resolving a problem. Boundaries are lines that you draw to protect yourself from behavior that you find damaging. These boundaries should be anything that either you or your partner deems destructive to your communication process. It is important to remember that this is not about consensus. If one partner has a boundary of not yelling in anger and other partner has a boundary of no swearing, both boundaries are honored. Not breaking ground rules you both establish for disagreements will go a long way in constructive communication.

2) Think before you act

When you find yourself getting angry or resentful toward your partner, it is easy to slip into blaming. Blaming will only lead to more hurt and anger. Now is time to get clear about how you feel and what you need. Let's use a simplified example to demonstrate process: your partner is two hours late getting home, and hasn’t called.

Our common response when we are angry is to attack. The second person comes in door, screaming starts. This accomplishes little, and will likely lead to an argument. Pretty soon argument escalates to include any sins committed since beginning of relationship. The best option for you before you discuss this with your partner is to get clear about your feelings.

Think about how you feel, and why. Sometimes it helps to write it all out. When you first start this process, let yourself just vent. This helps dissipate some of that energy and helps you move to a place where you can focus on your feelings. Do you feel afraid, alone, unimportant or all three? Get to a place where you can use “I” statements to describe how you feel. "I feel afraid. I feel unimportant." It will probably take some time to get to a place where it is about how you feel, not what person did. Give yourself gift of taking that time.

After you’re clear about how you feel, focus on what you need. What do I need to help me feel better about this situation? How can I get my needs met? Can I meet this need myself or do I need help? "I need for people to call me when they are going to be more than 15 minutes late. "