Dealing with Difficult People: the Alpha Male

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach

The term comes from monkeydom -repparttar dominant male inrepparttar 126130 hierarchy who basically runs things and gets what he wants. Inrepparttar 126131 monkey troop, there’s only one and one of his privileges is he’s oftenrepparttar 126132 only one who gets to mate.

In a nutshell they’re domineering, intimidating, impatient with people and details, thrive on responsibility, driven, irascible, know (not “think”) they’re right, often left-brained, and difficult.

Is there an "alpha female"? Studies have shown that females are not as innately** threatening as males. Also, across-the-board, males test lower in empathy and social responsibility - two traits that contribute to this personality style. So, not really!

**Tests for innateness mean it's evident with newborns, and in every culture, therefore not something "learned".

How do you cope with one? Here are some suggestions.

1. Take a stand.

You won't get to hold it, but if you don't, you'll become irrelevant.

2. Learn their language.

This is helpful with anyone, learning how they speak, and essential withrepparttar 126133 alpha male. Listen torepparttar 126134 alpha and parrot back, using his terminology. For instance, if you get an email saying, “You were wrong,” you can reply, “How do I do this right?”

3. Maintain your dignity and self-respect.

It may well be under assault, and it’s up to you. The alpha male isn’t looking out for you, your feelings, or sentiments, or often even your opinion. If you show he’s “getting to you,” you’ll likely get more of it. (To them it's a show of "weakness".) Learn to manage your nonverbal communication - facial expressions, position of hands, posture, etc.

4. Come in equipped with Emotional Intelligence.

You’re going to need it. They are results-driven, and this means they run rough-shod over people, whom they see as merely a means to their end. (You will be judged on how "useful" you are.) You will have to learn to protect yourself. Deal withrepparttar 126135 facts and don’t take it personally. If you look around, it was just “your turn,” that’s all.

A Zen Look at Dating & Religious Beliefs

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach

You’re dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference does this make?

The answer is: Another person’s religious beliefs are important to you torepparttar degree they’re important to you.

This may sound like beggingrepparttar 126129 question, but it’s an important thing to ‘get’.

Assuming you’re looking for marriage, you need to make a “must have” and “can’t stand” list. If certain religious beliefs go into either group, pay attention to them, because you won’t be happy if they aren’t there (or are and shouldn’t be) andrepparttar 126130 relationship won’t work inrepparttar 126131 long run.

Beggingrepparttar 126132 question is what Zen is all about. The koan can mean you’re asking a question no one knowsrepparttar 126133 answer to, or that you don’t need an answer to, or you knowrepparttar 126134 answer as well as anyone, you just don’t know it by reason (which is limited).

Inrepparttar 126135 case of religious beliefs,repparttar 126136 emotionally intelligent thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach for clarity; it’s worth it) and then experiencerepparttar 126137 person.

Word your religious “must haves” and “can’t stands” precisely. Do you mean adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree with every word you say about it?

Or do you believe in certain spiritual principals which could be compatible with various faiths?

Does it matter to you more howrepparttar 126138 person argues their faith verbally, or how they live it in their daily actions and behaviors? Some people live in a way that’s very compatible with certain faiths, though they may not officially belong to any religious organization.

Some religions require only faith; others require certain actions.

Apply your emotional intelligence competencies as you date.

1. ZEN: “A tree that is unbending is easily broken.” Lao Tzu EQ COMPETENCY: FLEXIBILITY

Use all your brains. You must feel how you feel around this person (see point number 2) and also think about what it is you’re after atrepparttar 126139 deepest and broadest level so that you can haverepparttar 126140 flexibility to deal with another imperfect, not entirely predictable human being.

2. ZEN: “Onlyrepparttar 126141 supremely wise andrepparttar 126142 abysmally ignorant do not change.” Confucius EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding of people.

You have to allow forrepparttar 126143 fact thatrepparttar 126144 individual may change. Few people make extreme changes in their core being and basic operating principals, but many of us make changes and adjustments in behaviors and thoughts. Get to knowrepparttar 126145 person well enough so you have a sense of their core.

For example: Ifrepparttar 126146 person you’re dating has murdered someone, I wouldn’t stick around. If they were once an addict, have been in recovery for 20 years, and made sufficient personality changes, give it a guarded go. If they once kicked a dog and still talk about it with remorse, full speed ahead. (For more on this “how much baggage to accept onrepparttar 126147 midlife dating flight” read “Midlife Dating Manual for Women” ( ).

3. ZEN: “If you are too excited by joy, later you will have to cry.” Tibetan saying. EQ COMPETENCY: Reality-testing.

Roughly translated this means that it’s best to go slow and find a person with a modulated response to you. Don’t get so excited you aren’t paying attention. Even soul-mates may disagree on how to loadrepparttar 126148 dishwasher. How can you expect exact alignment inrepparttar 126149 articulation of a religious belief? Therefore, number 4.

4. ZEN: “We think in generalities but we live in detail.” Alfred North Whitehead EQ COMPETENCY: Impulse control

Takerepparttar 126150 time to get to knowrepparttar 126151 person in little and daily ways. Someone can talk one way and act another. They can say they don’t believe in abusing animals (or anything else) and still do it. Only time will tell.

5. ZEN: “Think withrepparttar 126152 whole body.” Taisen Deshimaru EQ COMPETENCY: Intuition

Oddly enough, thinking withrepparttar 126153 whole body is what intuition is about. The quickest and surest way to know whether it’s a fit is to use your intuition (gut feeling, instincts). How do you know your gut feeling? From your gut! Your body sends you physiological messages.

Cont'd on page 2 ==> © 2005
Terms of Use