It’s a common misconception that telling someone your version of “the truth” is helpful to them, and evidence of virtue in you.

Actually it often amounts to a projection or rationalization that harms, serving your purpose and not other’s.

There are professions where delivering bad news is what they do. Physicians, psychologists, and managers routinely must tell people they have stage four cancer, or are mentally ill, or are going to be fired. It’s their job.

Teachers and parents are also required to instruct children about behavior, manners, appearance and character.

However, this does not carry over to private lives and relationships of adults.

Dating involves risk of rejection. Typically it involves ambivalence. We start out testing at every turn who person is, what it’s like to be with them, and how good fit is. It provides many opportunities for kindness or meanness, many opportunities for you to be at your best, or at your worst.

“Discretion is better part of valor,” said Shakespeare’. This means be brave but also sensible. Be courageous, not reckless; authentic but also sensitive.

If you have a criticism to make of someone you’re dating, use your EQ. Think it over carefully before you speak. Be especially careful in intimate moments when chemicals are dreamy and inhibitions are down. You can blurt out something you may regret at a time when they’re wide open.

Ask yourself these questions:

·Is it projection – something you’ve got yourself that you’re passing over to other? Is it really your temper you’re concerned about and not theirs? ·Will what you have to say cause more harm than good? ·Is it something other person can do something about? (I can lose 20 lbs., but I can’t become 10 years younger.) · Is it more important to you to be “right” than in relationship? ·Are you observing sloppy boundaries, dragging your last lover or partner into this new relationship and comparing? ·Is it really a control issue? ·Is there a better time and place to say this, or a better way to address it entirely? ·Might it naturally take care of itself? ·Are you emotionally unavailable, destined to find fault with everyone? ·Are you coming from your ego, or from your heart?

Consider also circumstances, patterns and likelihood of something recurring. In other words plain-out appropriateness of what you’re thinking of saying.

For instance, you’re on your third date, he’s taken you dancing, he’s sweating like a stuck pig and smells bad. Yes, you could tell him. On other hand, you’re in an open-air dance hall, it’s 90 degrees on dance floor, they’ve been playing nothing but polkas for 30 minutes, and there’s nothing he can do about it at that moment. Wouldn’t kindest thing be to ignore it?

You will either (1) never see him again, or (2) be around him next time you’re getting ready to go out and can suggest a bit more deodorant. “Remember how hot it was last time we were dancing?” say you. “Don’t forget deodorant, darling.”

It can be stuff of which fantasies are made and here’s why: to him it is a fantasy.

So how can you tell that man you're dating is married?

1. You’re suspicious.

Suspecting every man is prejudice, and means nothing. However, if you suddenly get suspicious about particular man you’re dealing with, trust your instincts. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

2. His tone of voice gets guarded, he won’t make eye contact and is evasive when certain topics come up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc.

He isn’t fully disclosing when it would seem appropriate. He alludes to “things he’ll tell you about later.”

3. He insists that all contact be on his terms only.

He gives some reason why you must only call him at work or on his cell. You ask for his home phone number and he refuses to give it to you. Disregard “reason.” They can be ingenious about this and if you’re love-daffy, you’ll find a way to rationalize his particular excuse. Don’t.

4. It's best sex you've ever had.