We continue here to discuss aspects of a mature relationship.

COMMUNICATION

a. Expressing needs and feelings rather than blame.

One of main causes of misunderstandings, tension, bitterness, unhappiness and relationship failure is our inability to communicate effectively. We have been programmed to criticize, blame and intimidate rather than express our real needs and / or feelings of insecurity, fear, inadequacy or rejection, which is usually reality behind our negativity.

We have learned to cover our weaknesses and put up a strong and often aggressive face. We can develop alternative means of communication in which we neither suppress our needs and values, nor do we hurt or demean other.

b. Clarifying and communicating our needs before we unite our lives:

Whether we want to see it that way or not, marriage is a contract between two persons who promise certain things to each other. Unfortunately for many, this contract is simply a formality for religion or state.

However, two conscious persons wanting to enter into a relationship have everything to gain by sitting down together and drawing up their own contract, independent of what church or state may stipulate. In this way, they will discover if they really have same goals, values and perceptions about what their relationship means. They can express what they expect of each other. This will be an opportunity to discuss lifestyles and expectations more deeply, to see if they are really meant to unite their lives, or if it is perhaps better to remain friends.

Couples already married can renew their contract every few years, making adjustments when agreeable to both which represent their present relationship needs. These contracts will evolve as their needs evolve.

COMMON ACTIVITIES

A relationship needs to be kept fresh and alive. One way is for partners to share various types of common activities. One basic common activity is bringing up children and everything that encompasses. Other possibilities might be attending classes, lectures or cultural events together, playing games, going for walks, working on some business or creative project together, singing, dancing, traveling or even reading together, and of course, expressing love to each other physically.

In these mind and body stimulating activities, we are brought into deeper contact and have new and interesting subjects about which to think and communicate. This is much preferable to limiting our time together to watching television.

Robert Elias Najemy

Situation & Lessons No.1

Anna does whatever she is asked to do even when she doesn?t want to do it.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often because of her accumulated resentment. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say "No".

She is afraid people will not love her anymore, that they will reject her if she refuses to do what they request of her. She believes their "love" for her is based solely on prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to seeing Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays role of victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this because her actions never follow her words.

She has often threatened to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once refused. She does not know how. She is afraid she will loose their love. Also, she receives feelings of self-worth from being "victim," "martyr," "good person" who is done injustice to, who has no time for her own personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn?t do all she does, but they have simply gotten used to this situation and have found easy solution is to let Anna do everything, especially in home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaints and threats, she has never confronted them with this matter in a clear and effective manner.

Until one day...

Then one day she thinks, "What kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask of me? This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom, needs and self-respect for their acceptance and ?love?. I will start expressing my needs and will say ?Yes? only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so."