A few months ago, arriving at a client’s office to begin a group meeting, I discovered that two women, who had committed to joining us for a series of meetings, had changed their minds. In less than two minutes, I convinced them to join us. Did I use some sort of magic? You bet I did. Would you like to know that magic?

Neuro-Linguistic Programing (NLP), a science that studies language of mind, breaks down, step-by-step, strategies humans use to connect with others. Most people believe that we communicate primarily through language and words. Yet, many business people are aware of body language and its importance in interacting with people. Some may be aware of studies that show that language has less influence on others than physiology and tonality. If we want to connect with others, it behooves us to be consciously aware of how we use physiology and tonality as well as how we use words.

Here is brake down of how we communicate: 7% through words, 38% through tonality, 55% through physiology. It’s clear that if we focus our communication only on words and language, we are missing out on 93% of our resources for communication. NLP teaches that anyone can establish rapport with another person instantaneously. Rapport in NLP is defined differently from its usual definition. Rapport, as NLP views it, is not developing a relationship, although it may lead to relationship. NLP defines rapport as an instant connection with another person, usually taking place at subconscious level.

When people meet and instantly feel they know each other, or people are instantly comfortable with each other, this is rapport. “I feel as if I’ve known you for years” is a statement that shows instant rapport.

This kind of rapport happens all time. People practice rapport unconsciously with friends, family, and new acquaintances. NLP helps us to do consciously and with volition what we do naturally but often unconsciously with people we know and meet.

This article will sketch out some basic strategies that, if put into practice, can dramatically change a person’s interaction with others and help her to make connections easily. It’s like magic.

PHYSIOLOGY

Since physiology is primary way people communicate (55%), everyone should have at least a basic understanding of how to establish rapport on a physical level. Posture, breathing, eye movement, blinking are all possible ways of establishing rapport. There are two ways of creating a connection through physiology: matching and mirroring.

Matching is doing same thing with your body as someone else is doing with her body. For example, if someone standing in front of you has her head tilt to right, you would tilt your head to right. If someone were observing you, she would see your heads tilted in opposite directions.

Mirroring creates a mirror image. If someone has her head tilted right, and you are standing in front of her, you tilt your head to left. To an observer, your heads would be tilted in same direction.

Both matching and mirroring should be done subtly, not exaggerated. The idea is to connect, not to be offensive. Most people find it offensive if someone is mimicking them. Don’t do what children do when imitating someone with intention of annoying. When establishing rapport, goal is to be natural, smooth, and inconspicuous. Observe people who like each other. People do these things naturally. When people are matching and mirroring each other, they are establishing rapport. They are connecting on an unconscious level.

Part I of this article explored how strategies of Neuro-Linguistic Programing (NLP) can be used to gain instant rapport with clients, leads, and business associates, and more specifically, how to use physiology, matching and mirroring, to create instant magic communications.

Now, how can tonality and words establish rapport?

TONALITY

While physiology accounts for 55% of communication among humans, tonality accounts for 38%. Most people have had experience of someone saying, “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.” While literal words indicate that this person doesn’t have a problem, everyone knows that tone used can speak louder than words.

Someone yelling “I’m not mad,” isn’t convincing. If this happens in a sitcom, we laugh. In real life, we dismiss words and read meaning from tone of voice. Often tonality is more subtle than these examples, but it is still a powerful communicator. Boredom, excitement, anger, melancholy, disbelief, questions, enthusiasm, honesty are more often communicated through tone, rather than words.

What do you wish to communicate to clients, leads, or business associates? Make your tonality appropriate.

Many people do business exclusively over phone. When talking on phone, it is crucial to be aware of tonality. In a phone conversation, both people are communicating via their tonality, often unconsciously. Don’t leave tonality to chance. Enthusiasm, charm, friendliness as well as boredom, depression, and annoyance are communicated through sound.

TONALITY

Tonality includes: Tone (pitch: high, low) Tempo (speed: slow, fast) Timbre (quality: clear, raspy) Volume (loudness)

If you are talking to someone, who has a high-pitched voice raise your pitch a little. Like matching and mirroring, you don’t want to imitate. Don’t be dramatic, be subtle. Match last few words someone says.

Speed is important. People who talk fast are often impatient with people who speak slower. People who speak at a slow speed are often turned off by people who speak rapidly. For someone who naturally speaks fast, slower speaking people seems to take forever to say something. For someone who naturally speaks slowly, fast talker seems hyper, insincere. The cliche “fast talking city slicker” captures this idea.

I was in New York giving a presentation; person who presented before I did took more than her a lotted time. My presentation was cut short. I began speaking at what I considered high speed and told everyone that I was talking fast because I wanted to get through my entire presentation. Several audience members laughed and said, “We’re New Yorkers. No matter how fast you talk, it won’t be too fast.” I couldn’t match their speed. In contrast to New Yorkers, I visited a friend in Georgia whose southern drawl was slow, hypnotic, and relaxed.

Notice timbre and volume! Volume of voice can be very effective with someone who is angry. A few years ago, I unwittingly angered another professor. As he became more angry, his voice grew louder. I kept my voice low and soft, believing that would calm him. I watched rather mystified as he grew more angry as I controlled my voice, trying to sound calm and in control.

If someone is angry, try matching volume of his voice without matching anger. It might feel strange, but matching volume creates rapport.