"Dad, I tried to wake Nana, I think she's dead." "Grandpa died yesterday." "Oh my God, Daddy's dead." "Uncle Jack died today." "Grandma died last night." "I'm standing with
body of your deceased father-in-law." "Hon, I think we should get a divorce." "I'm sorry, but we weren't able to resuscitate your mother." "Mike called. He thinks Mary is dead." "I'm sorry to leave this on your voice mail, but Uncle Andy died last night."This litany of phone calls and conversations on death or parting has all occurred in past 30 years of my life, most in last 20. Whether I was one delivering or receiving these messages, speaking of each one was start of long, seemingly endless process of grieving. Often, I felt so sucker punched that I doubted I could go on. Getting up next day seemed impossible, yet somehow I almost always did.
Something deep inside told me I had to, that there was no other way to get through it, but to keep moving. I attribute that to my deep belief in a higher plan and a sense that getting through this trial was like going through a tunnel. I told myself that if I put one foot in front of other, I would eventually come out other side and be able to feel somewhat whole again. Sometimes, it was all I could do to put one toe in front of other, but all forward movement I deemed positive.
The last five instances happened within past five years, with my mother and sister-in-law and godfather's deaths back to back in '99, '00 and '01. Looking for reason why I have been given so many opportunities to experience grip of grief first hand, I now believe it was in order to help others and ease their way.
If you've been here, you know. There's no magic pill to get you through immense pain, intense sadness and amazing denial, anger and upset that you feel. However, I did create, through trial and error, a few simple practices which have profoundly impacted my journey through tunnel and I would like to share them with you.
(1) Every single day, let in love of family, friends and co-workers. On those days that you feel you can't bear to see anyone or when you realize that some of them have moved on, thinking in error that you are "better", read through cards you've received. Save and then play voice mail messages and re-read e-mails of support. Give your heart a visible reminder that others do care and want to share your pain. Let them - mentally off-load a bit of it onto their shoulders. Don't try to carry it all by yourself. It can crush you and it will try. Don't let it!
