Conversational Negative Self-talkWritten by Skye Thomas
Most people don't even know they're doing it. Throughout course of normal conversation, they bombard themselves with negative self-talk. Even people who are aware of power of their words seem to miss some of most commonly used derogatory comments that are made towards ourselves in course of normal conversation. While plotting out goals and dreams we remember to stop ourselves from saying statements like "I can't," "I'm not good enough," or "I'll never be able to pull this off." However, it's subtle little things that we say while on conversational autopilot that eats away at our self-confidence.How many times have you heard someone in a conversation admit that they were misinformed in past saying, "Oops, I lied." Lying by definition is a deliberate and sometimes malicious intent to deceive another. If you were wrong, misinformed, or made a bad assumption, but honestly believed you were giving factual information at time, then it was NOT a lie. You are not a liar. You did not deliberately deceive other person. Do not use a negative term like "lied" to describe yourself. Say, "Oops, I misunderstood." "Oops, I made a bad assumption." Or, "Oops, I was wrong." Unless you actually did it on purpose, it's not a lie and you shouldn't call yourself a liar. It amazes me how many people say "I lied!" repeatedly during normal conversation as if they are habitual liars or something. It's a derogatory word. Don't use it unless you really meaning it. My daughter was telling me about a friend of hers that she was talking on telephone with other night. They were going over a tough homework assignment together. Every time my daughter's friend realized that she had written down wrong answer, on autopilot she would say, "Oh, I'm stupid." Over and over without even realizing it, she kept calling herself stupid. She said it ten or fifteen times within an hour long conversation. Funny thing is this girl isn't stupid, she just thinks she is and acts accordingly. If she was my daughter, I'd make her quit saying that all of time. My children were taught never to call themselves such things. My daughter's friend is really quite normal. I'm always hearing people say that or they'll say equivalent, "I'm dumb" or "that was dumb" in reference to themselves. Stupid and dumb are interchangeable. Sometimes negative comments are disguised as humor. "I'm just a stupid guy," "Oh well, what do you expect from a dumb blonde," or "I think my mom dropped me one too many times as a baby!" The fact that they feel a need to make excuses for themselves means that they have low self-confidence. It's a subtle and difficult pattern to break. A lot of people do it without noticing that they're even doing it. It's said with same automatic presentation as "Fine, thanks." That always follows "How are you?" I would recommend that you ask someone to help you with it. For example, in speech classes they will get on you for saying things like um, ya' know, or soooooo. These are fillers that we put into speeches to fill gaps when we're nervous. We don't know we're doing it until we have someone point it out to us consistently. After awhile, speech students begin to hear themselves and stop themselves from saying these filler phrases. I would recommend doing same thing to help each other out of conversational negative self-talk.
| | How to Recognize Stress Before it Turns Into AngerWritten by Dr. Tony Fiore
After a stressful day as a computer programmer, Jim pulled into his driveway. The children’s toys were scattered on walkway to house. He immediately began noticing slight tension in his muscles and apprehension in his stomach. Entering his house, his wife ignored him while she talked with her sister on telephone. His heart started beating a little faster. Looking around, he noticed disarray; nothing was picked up, house was a mess. Irritation and frustration started to settle in. Finally, as his feelings grew, he exploded and began yelling at his wife and children. Stress may trigger anger: Stress is often trigger that takes us from feeling peaceful to experiencing uncomfortable angry feelings in many common situations such as one described above. Stress is most easily defined as a series of bodily responses to demands made upon us called stressors. These “demands” or stressors can be negative (such as coping with a driver who cuts in front of you on freeway) or positive (such as keeping on a tour schedule while on vacation). Stressors may be external to you (like work pressure) or internal (like expectations you have of yourself or feeling guilty about something you did or want to do). Whether stressor is external or internal, scientists have discovered that major systems of body work together to provide one of human organism’s most powerful and sophisticated defenses; stress response which you may know better as “fight-or-flight.” This response helps you to cope with stressors in your life. To do so, it activates and coordinates brain, glands, hormones, immune system, heart, blood and lungs. Avoid Jim’s destructive behavior toward his loved ones. Before your stress response turns into anger or aggression, use these strategies to get it under control: Read your personal warning lights: Becoming aware of your stress response is first step to managing it. This means listening to your body, being aware of your negative emotions, and observing your own behavior when under stress.
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