Title: Controlling Behavior – How Do You Attempt to Control? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 732 Category: Self Improvement, Personal Growth

Controlling Behavior – How Do You Attempt to Control? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Controlling behavior: Behavior intended to control your own feelings, control how people feel about you and treat you, or control outcome of things.

All of us have grown up learning many different ways to control – we had to as part of our survival.

Perhaps you grew up in a family that used anger and criticism as forms of control and this became role modeling for what you do now. Or you might have been a child who picked up on anger early, had temper tantrums, and you are still using anger as your primary form of control.

If anger and criticism was used in your family, you might have learned to respond to it with compliance – being a good girl or boy. You might have learned to put aside your own feelings and needs and go along with what others wanted in hopes of controlling their feelings and actions toward you. You might use care-taking as your primary form of control.

Or, you might have decided to go in opposite direction and resist others’ attempts to control you. You might have decided that having control over not being controlled is what is really important. If you struggle with procrastination, you might want consider that resistance has become a major form of control for you.

Perhaps you decided as a child to just withdraw and shut out others’ attempts to control you. You might have also decided to try to control your own feelings through addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, work, TV, gambling, spending, and so on.

Unable to get usual reaction from her, he calmed down and instantly became rational and more reasonable.

Case #2. Tom, 42, would become ballistic reacting to his 17 year old daughter who refused to see she was dating a “loser” boy. The more he yelled, deeper she dug her heels and refused to give up boy.

Applying anger management tool of “respond instead of react”, Tom decided to try something different by including boy into family activities (as much as he could stand). After about three weeks of this, daughter—on her own—decided her “prince-charming” wasn’t person she needed to enhance her life and ended relationship.

Learn to be flexible

Individuals who practice good health do not continue behavior that doesn’t achieve desired results. Instead, they adjust—or fine tune—their responses depending on situation.

There are many advantages to learning to be more flexible—and “response-able”— in dealing with stresses and frustrations in your life.

At top of list is a sense of empowerment. It just feels good to know that you are in charge of your responses, instead of being controlled by other people or circumstances.

Case # 3. Sixty-four year old Lynn left anger management class one night to find her apartment completely flooded due to a burst water pipe.

Adding to her stress, her insurance company initially refused to pay her claim. She later told us, “I decided to use tool you taught us of responding instead of reacting, so I cleaned up whole place myself. I can’t tell you how wonderful and liberating it felt to know that I didn’t have to get upset.

Later, calmer, she recontacted her insurance agent who, this time, agreed to honor her claim! Learn to respond differently.