Title: Control, Helplessness, and Love Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 1092 Category: Relationships, Emotional Healing

CONTROL, HELPLESSNESS, AND LOVE By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners, I have discovered that an important purpose of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid feeling of helplessness. One of hardest feelings to feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless over. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness over others' feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless over whether another chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness over others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice instead of honest? If we truly accepted our helplessness over whether others loved us and accepted us, would we work so hard to prove our worth to others?

Sometimes - because we often manage to have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval - we may confuse approval with love and think we can have control over getting love. But love is always a gift freely given with no strings attached. We may receive attention and approval when we try to control getting love from another, but that is generally short-lived and not fulfilling.

Moving beyond our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the belief that we are inherently bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), happens easily and naturally once we fully accept our helplessness over others' intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections against our feelings of helplessness. Our shame gives us illusion of power over others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not being loved because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have control over getting love we want. Believing in our core shame allows us to believe that we cause others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving because we are not good enough. It takes us out of truth of our helplessness and into a sense of control - if only we change ourselves we can then change others. This illusion of control over other people's feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Title: Anniversary Blues Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 1110 Category: Relationships

Anniversary Blues By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt’s busy schedule and limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with real issues at hand, problem was bound to resurface. Jamie unknowingly began planting seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring up subject of their anniversary.

"Kurt, I just wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and it‘s really important that we plan something special for us."

Kurt took a deep breath and responded, "Jamie, you know I don’t really like celebrations." "Oh come on Kurt. It’s really important to me." Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. "When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made plans last year and now it’s your turn. Why don’t you surprise me…something really romantic! Okay?"

Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was all assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional. She could barely work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his everlasting love. Finally, day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie was anxious. With each glance at clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Kurt walked through door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses. Jamie took roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of fridge, and sank into couch, grabbing remote control.

Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice. "That’s it?" she asked.

"That’s what?"

"That’s it? It’s our anniversary!" Jamie’s tone grew sharp. "You said you would plan something special and romantic and this…" shaking roses in her clenched fist, "this is it?"

"I never said I would do anything," Kurt retorted. "I told you it wasn’t my thing." "Don t lie to me! You nodded yes!"

"No, I didn’t. I didn’t agree to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldn’t want to after you tell me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back to TV. You take all fun out of everything.

Jamie dissolved into tears. "Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t have to say anything."

Without a word, Kurt turned off TV and left house.

Once again, Jamie and Kurt were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior.

In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look at interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to protect.