Peter Murphy recently interviewed communication expert John Barker. John is a professional coach and author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication Arts and Sciences. He even served in
White House where he worked with White House Communications Agency.They discussed communication and uncovered some valuable insights that people can immediately apply to make measurable improvements in their lives.
PETER:
1 Nowadays more and more people are learning how to let go of limiting feelings to improve quality of their lives. When it comes to communicating effectively with other people what are main barriers to effective and purposeful communication, and how can we let go of these limitations?
JOHN:
The barriers vary from person to person, however, most common one I encounter in working with people is desire to change others to fit our expectations. There are many paths to same destination; if we release our desires we open up an infinite number of possibilities. So long as we agree on destination we want - feeling we want - "the how" doesn't matter.
Any time we feel we want to change someone or something, this is a time when we can recognize and release our desire for control.
The other part of this, is that very often we are re-living past conversations. If we have had a conflict with someone in past; if we hold onto that feeling we bring it to new conversation. We brace our self for dealing with inevitable confrontation and we don't really hear what is being said in moment. This is why it is so important and valuable to be able to release things as they come up.
PETER:
2 Very often in life we know what to say and yet get tongue tied and fail to follow through when pressure is on. What is answer to this common challenge?
JOHN:
We become tongue-tied or freeze up due to our attachment to outcome. There IS no pressure, only attachment to feelings and outcomes. By releasing on our attachment to outcome and welcoming experience as it occurs, we free ourselves to experience moment effortlessly. This experience allows us to perform at our best.
And, if a person does feel anxiety, stress or self-consciousness in a situation like this, trying to make feeling go away only makes it stronger. I often use analogy of a big brother picking on a younger sibling. Why does he do this? To get a reaction. The bigger and better reaction, more we encourage it. But if we welcome what is going on, he gives up. It is not as much fun as getting reaction! And, he goes away.
The same is true of feelings we want to go away. If we welcome them and allow them to be, it is amazing how quickly that feeling will dissolve and be replaced with a feeling of peace and calm. And, sometimes we can even smile or laugh at ourselves about it because it is such a relief to just allow ourselves to be how we are.
PETER:
3 Dealing with difficult people can really stretch our patience and verbal flexibility. What are your top tips for handling these situations?
JOHN:
Release! Release! Release!
It is important to remain aware of, and release, our desire for security, approval and control as these feelings arise in our consciousness. It can also be important to recognize other person's need for security, approval and control as well. Understanding allows compassion.
I know I've wasted a lot of energy in my life trying to change other people! It's an impossible job, really. And, it is amazing how often, when we stop resisting how people are, they just magically seem to make those changes we wanted in first place.
