The following are three schools of thought on changing another's behavior and an alternative to each one. You will find alternatives more useful, easier to implement and more effective.

School of Thought I: -------------------- You may never change another, nor may you request change. Seeking change in another is avoiding changing yourself. Your partner is showing you something you don't like in yourself. The change must happen within you. You must strive to become such that other's behavior no longer bothers you.

The Alternative: ---------------- Look at yourself first. If you still find yourself needing to make a request, do it. This will give you opportunity to practice vital skills of asking for what you want and negotiating.

However, do be aware - making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week's newsletter.

School of Thought II: --------------------- You must demand change from other because if he/she loved you enough surely there would be change. He/she is bad and wrong in first place for doing thing that upsets you. He/she is bad and wrong again for not changing without you having to say anything. He/she is very wrong for balking at change once you demand it.

The Alternative: ---------------- People do what they do and say what they say not because of you but because of how they relate to others. This means if your partner is doing something to upset you or bug you, he/she is not doing it to you, just doing it. Moreover, people cannot read minds. If you do not communicate effectively when something is bothering you, you cannot expect change.

If you're seeking career freedom, you may feel blocked by 3F's: Fear, Focus and Finances -- and you can change your 3F status to fourth F, "Forward!"

Fear comes from giving up a cherished identity. Once you move to a new career, you have to find a new way to say, "I am" with pride and excitement. What will your former colleagues say? How will your family greet new you? And how do you feel about trading in your "senior seasoned" identity for role of a stumbling beginner? The risk is real. After starting a business or spending a few years in graduate school, you are no longer same person. Your old career neighborhood changes, too. Returning home may no longer be an option. You overcome this block by learning to recognize fear as a powerful ally rather than a threat. Work with and through fear.