Changing SeasonsWritten by R.L. Fieldings
Have you looked at your mother lately? I mean, have you really looked at your mother lately? As a marketing counselor in a Continuous Care Retirement Community (CCRC) I have met many senior citizens and their families. It amazes me how many children continue to see their parents as strong, in-charge person they were 30 years ago. They are accustomed to seeing their parents provide help and support; and truly fear seeing their mother or father struggling. Recently, a couple from Delaware brought their father into our lifecare community to look at apartments in independent living neighborhood. When I spoke to son on phone, I asked him how his father was managing at home. His reply was confident, "My Dad is fine, and does everything for himself." We set appointment for later that week. On day of appointment they arrived with Dad. I was concerned when I saw him. He was a tall, frail man, wearing a disheveled warm-up suit that looked like it needed washing. He could have also used a shave. However, when I reached for his hand to shake it, his bright blue eyes sparkled and he gave me a big smile, and a warm ”Hello.” As we walked down hall to see an apartment older gentleman pulled me aside and quietly confided, "I can't do this. My legs are too weak to walk this far." I knew he needed Assisted Living, where rooms and distances are more manageable, and 24-hour personal care is available. I turned to son and explained situation. As our parents age, sometimes they need extra care and assistance. Everyone wants their parents to live independently as long as possible, but ability to make good decisions and to care for oneself can slowly decline. Then there may be a crisis, and immediate and sometimes emergency need for help of another caring adult becomes suddenly apparent. We then toured Assisted Living neighborhood of community. When we finished, older gentleman turned to me, smiled kindly and said, "This is more like it."
| | A Difficult DecisionWritten by Paulette Kaufman
The decision to place a loved one in an assisted living facility is a difficult but frequently unavoidable one. Even though choice may be absolutely necessary, person forced to make decision for their spouse or parent often feels an overwhelming sense of guilt. When time came for me to decide to place my mother, who suffers from Parkinson’s disease, into assisted living, I knew as a nurse that it was best decision for both my mother and me. All same, I felt an enormous amount of guilt, and when I came home after helping my mother move into her new community; I broke down, sobbing. Today I work as a marketing counselor for facility where my mother lives – so I see her every day and know firsthand that she receives excellent care – yet there are still times when I fail to hold back tears. Many caretakers who decide to put their loved one in an assisted living facility think they have failed them somehow, even if they have already spent years caring for them and simply cannot do so any more. I had been taking care of my mother for three years before bringing her to live in a long-term care community, helping her with daily tasks and spending every other night at her house. I even managed to make it a family effort, with my son easing much of burden during his summers home from college. My mother did not want to leave her home, and I did all I could to see that she would not have to leave. But eventually that time came. In a fall my mother broke her foot, but she hid injury from me. A fall like my mother’s is especially worrisome because Parkinson’s is an incurable disease which progressively and inevitably gets worse. Patients are often able to minimize ill effects of disease for a time, but eventually they will require frequent or constant assistance from a caregiver. My mother’s fall was a sure sign that she could no longer live on her own. When her doctor discovered that her foot was broken, he told her this in no uncertain terms. Now it became my responsibility to help her find a new home, and though part of me wanted to take care of her just as she had taken care of me as a child, I knew that I did not have capability to care for her as her Parkinson’s progressed. In some respects my mother and I have been fortunate, in that she was aware of her doctor’s instruction and conscious of reasons for entering an assisted living facility. Children and spouses of Alzheimer’s patients, on other hand, must bear full weight of responsibility when choosing option of assisted living, though many spend months or even years denying this fact. Usually, when it comes time to seek out an assisted living facility for an Alzheimer’s patient, that patient has already reached an advanced stage of disease and likely exhibits a number of disturbing symptoms. If caregiver has decided that it is time to consider assisted living, patient may already be in need of help with dressing, shaving, eating, and even using bathroom. Perhaps patient has become delusional, convinced for instance that caregiver wishes to harm them. These are all common symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease, and, like Parkinson’s, such symptoms will only get progressively worse. Recognizing that a patient whose Alzheimer’s has reached such a stage and may need to enter an assisted living facility is positive. Unfortunately, I have met many people who think they can convince their parent or spouse of their need to enter an assisted living community, when in fact it is only children or spouse of Alzheimer’s patients who can ultimately make decision.
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