Celebrate Togetherness, Not ResentmentsWritten by Lynn Cutts
When we get together with family, especially during this hectic time of year, we often find old childhood hurts, feelings, and reactions popping up. We regress; we even lose some of our identity as independent adults. The end result is that a holiday that is supposed to be a celebration of gratitude, fellowship, and giving becomes an ordeal.It doesn't have to be that way. Here are a few quick hints to help you enjoy, rather than suffer, through that holiday get-together: Relax, and remember - it's about fellowship, connection, and fun, not about perfection. Look for positive side in everything. There is always a positive side. Don't say anything negative to or about anyone or anything. It won't help or change situation, and will just make things worse. Dont bring up politics, religion, or any other controversial topic that can lead to arguments. Bring along some little thing (A photo? A piece of jewelry? An emergency stash of chocolate?) to remind you that you are successful, creative, resourceful, and all grown up. And that you can act like it. Limit your alcohol intake; it loosens tongues, ethics, and discretion. When you're in a conversation, listen to what's being said instead of planning what you're going to say next. Focus your attention on other person. (It's a coaching skill, but you can do it, too.) Ask others about their lives; don't hog floor. Dust off your curiosity. Ask open-ended questions. If someone is hogging attention, or conversation, start a separate conversation with someone who's looking left out. Work to make them feel better. You'll feel better too. If you're host or hostess, plan, plan, plan! Do as much as you can ahead of time, even to setting table. (You can do it as much as a week in advance, then just cover it with a bed sheet.) Ask your guests to bring a dish, or to help out in kitchen. Giving people something to do is a great ice breaker and helps them feel included.
| | Holiday IntentionsWritten by Lynn Cutts
Over course of last 2,000 or so years, we've managed to cram our three biggest holidays into space of about six weeks. We don't spread them out so that we can savor each event. Instead, we choose a time of year in which weather is likely to be lousy (at least in Northern Hemisphere), and cram parties, travel, feasts, and loads of stress all into a short period of time. No wonder holiday season exhausts our pocketbooks, our patience, our diets, our will power, and ourselves. Please don't get me wrong. I love holidays. I was (and in some ways, still am) "queen" of holiday over-doing. Every year I had to outdo year before: more decorations, more parties, more gifts, more baking, more food, more guests, more chocolate . . . you get picture. And then I noticed that harder I tried to improve season with all this running around and doing and stuff, worse it got. It made my entire family cranky, stressed, and miserable. It didn't take long before we all began to dread very season we used to love. And then it took a couple of years more before I figured out problem: holidays aren't about doing; they're about being. Once I realized that, and changed my focus, we started to enjoy holidays again. This is a different slant from "giving not getting" spiel we hear, or heard, as we were growing up. My old, stressed, frantic holidays were all about giving, giving as much as I could, until there was nothing left for me. "Being vs. doing" goes beyond that. You can still give, give, give, or get, get, get all you want. It's intention behind giving and getting (or partying, or traveling, or baking or. . .) that we're looking at here. So that's what I want to address: setting an intention for holidays. Simply put, setting an intention is about deciding what it is you really want from something, like a vacation, a dinner party, or even today. Depending upon situation, you might ask, "What do I want to take away from this?" or "What is purpose of this?" In our case, "What do I really want to get from this holiday season?" I don't mean "a red Lamborghini Diablo", or "a new refrigerator," although I wouldn't turn those down. I don't even mean something as practical and essential as ten pounds of chocolate. Nor am I asking you to examine real meaning of Christmas, Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanza, rampant commercialism, or whatever it is you celebrate. Instead, I want you to connect with that deeply personal, being part, and decide what you want from there.
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