Written by Victoria Elizabeth


-- Collected, compiled and cranked out by "The Quipping Queen" for your amusement and delight --

Asrepparttar ho ho ho season rolls around, one is reminded of some very wicked words from a few wise men, a smattering of witty women, and a handful of weird wee folk who wish to remain anonymous.

"A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two." (W.C. Fields)

"I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent merepparttar 118117 insulting Christmas card I received this morning." (George and Weedon Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody, 1894)

"Christmas, that time to of year when people descend intorepparttar 118118 bunker ofrepparttar 118119 family." (Byron Rogers, Daily Telegraph, 27 December 1993)

"There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas." (Robert Lynd, “On Christmas," in The Book of This and That, 1915)

"Ever since Eve gave Adamrepparttar 118120 apple, there has been a misunderstanding betweenrepparttar 118121 sexes about gifts." (Nan Robertson, "On Christmas shopping", New York Times, 28 November 1957)

"George, a camel, stepped onrepparttar 118122 foot of a Rockette; six sheep came offrepparttar 118123 elevator as three kings bearing gifts got on; human Christmas trees bumped into eight maids-a-milking atrepparttar 118124 water cooler and an elf came down withrepparttar 118125 flu." (William E. Geist, onrepparttar 118126 day “pandemonium paid a visit backstage” at opening of Radio City Music Hall’s Christmas spectacular. New York Times, 29 November 1986)

"As if being eighty-five or ninety and terrified and talked down to loudly and pushed around in wheelchairs byrepparttar 118127 staff all day weren’t bad enough, for tonight’s entertainmentrepparttar 118128 local Brownies have come to sing Christmas carols....". (Mary Jo Salter, “Brownie Troop #722 Visitsrepparttar 118129 Nursing Home,” 1994)


Written by By Rev. James L. Snyder

The Gracious Mistress ofrepparttar Parsonage and Yours Truly have an agreement as ironclad as any legal document inrepparttar 118116 world court. Simply put,repparttar 118117 contract is as follows: I will eat broccoli when she eats liver. I'm on pretty good ground here because I know she abhors liver and will not allow me bringing it into our domicile in any form.

In fact, if I consume any liver I'm sometimes not allowed home until it has completely gone through my system, which can take up to three days depending on my physical condition atrepparttar 118118 time.

With this in mind, I had a vicious attack of liveritis last week and needed a fix of nicely fried chicken livers. Whenever such a malady assaults me, there is only one thing for me to do, and I know what it is.

I head forrepparttar 118119 Slurp ‘N Burp Café. Nobody puts together a mess of chicken livers as tender and juicy asrepparttar 118120 Slurp ‘N Burp. Whenever I can escaperepparttar 118121 Misses' notice, I slip away and enjoy a plate of these delightful delicacies that just melt in my mouth.

Last Thursday I set out to gratify my craving when an incredible thing happened.

About halfway through a plate ofrepparttar 118122 most delicious chicken livers this side ofrepparttar 118123 Marriage Supper ofrepparttar 118124 Lamb, a man walked intorepparttar 118125 restaurant.

I simply could not believe my eyes. He wasrepparttar 118126 spitting image of a friend of mine. The trouble was, my friend died a little over a year ago and this man could have passed for his twin.

Someone said everyone has a double somewhere and I was a believer; at least in this case.

As this man walked by, I nodded and he touched his finger to his hat —repparttar 118127 same way my friend use to. It was one of those uncanny moments you never forget. A rush of memories flooded my mind as I thought of my old friend. He wasrepparttar 118128 original Florida Cracker if there ever was one.

His family moved to Miami in 1920 when he was six years old. It was a different Florida in those days, as he often reminded me.

He was an outdoorsman torepparttar 118129 end. As a young lad, he and his family would camp inrepparttar 118130 wild Florida swamps and live offrepparttar 118131 land. Not like people do today in luxurious RVs, with allrepparttar 118132 latest conveniences; hot showers, color TV and a fully stocked kitchen.

No siree. My friend lived offrepparttar 118133 land. They ate what they caught withrepparttar 118134 rod or shot withrepparttar 118135 gun, cooking it over an open campfire, "The wayrepparttar 118136 Good Lord fully intended," he would say as he remembered those days.

Inrepparttar 118137 trunk of his car, he always had his fishing gear for, "Ya never know whenrepparttar 118138 urge to go fishin' will come on and it's always best to be prepared." He was a Boy Scout and as such was fully prepared for any eventuality.

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