My friend who retired last year from years on Wall Street tells me, “I have to watch very carefully how I spend my money. I don’t know how to do anything.”One of
reasons people find retirement challenging, is also solution to problem of better aging: we identify with roles in our lives. Worse than that, we enjoy them. They’re what our life is all about or we wouldn’t have been doing them in first place. Now my friend certainly knows how to do things. He can cook his breakfast, he’s an attentive father, he knows how to mow lawn. But to his way of thinking, now that he’s no longer a broker, he “doesn’t know how to do anything.”
Whether it’s being a manager, a doctor, or a mother, a recent study confirms we do best when have control over roles we value, and that this is more important than a sense of control over life itself. ["Role-Specific Feelings of Control and Mortality," Neal Krause, Ph.D., and Benjamin A. Shaw, Ph.D.; Psychology and Aging, Vol. 15, No. 4.]
What does this mean to you and me on a daily basis?
In study, conducted over 6-7 years, participants were asked to name roles they valued most in their lives, including such things as parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, friend, homemaker, provider, volunteer work, church member, etc.
In follow-up study it was found that participants who were able to maintain a sense of control over role most important to them were less likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors (smoking, drinking, obesity) and less likely to die prematurely. And, research found, it was only most important valued role that correlated with decline, not choices two and three.
By “having a sense of control,” I imagine they mean being able to continue doing that. I also would imagine, unless your life has been different of mine, there’s no sense assuming control over life in general. You’ve learned that by now!
Your most-valued role amounts to why you like being alive, or what makes life worth living. In other words, what matters to you.
The researchers suggest that psychological coping abilities “decline” with age. I suggest they can be bolstered, even increase by studying EQ, and a look ahead is an emotionally intelligent thing to do.
In my coaching work with clients in transition, “transition” often amounts to fact they’ve lost or been ousted from a role they enjoyed. Some were fired, some forced into retirement, others lost children prematurely, others are between parenting and grand parenting, and not “needed” by anyone in that special nurturing role.
How can you cope better? While life is about losses, it is equally about gains and wins. While you may be dumb-founded by an immediate loss, with time and Emotional Intelligence competencies, you can make next step and find a new role.
Somewhere there’s a baby crying … a group that needs managing … an account that needs balancing. How you define your role is up to you. It’s personal choice and that’s what EQ is all about. You may no longer run Coca-Cola, but you can run volunteer department of local children’s shelter.
