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Being Nice Can Be Hazardous to Your Health by Vicki Rackner MD

"Mom, what did doctor say about your liver function tests?" Martha and her mother Leah spent plenty of time on phone days before follow-up doctor visit talking about what this abnormal blood test could mean. With a heavy sigh Leah said, "Well, doctor looked like he was having a hard day, and there were lots of people in waiting room and they looked very sick, so I didn’t ask." Martha said, "If you took care of yourself with just a fraction of nurturing you give to everyone else in whole world, you would be in great shape."

Leah’s life is guided by two words: "Be nice." In her perfect day, everyone gets along, she anticipates and meets needs of others and goes to sleep knowing she’s a worthy person because people tell her so. Leah avoids conflict and she would never dream of making a scene. When she gave cashier at grocery store a $20 bill for a $7 item and got back $3 she didn’t say a word. Her perfectionism usually heads off criticism, but sometimes it backfires. She tried to help her adult son, who said with annoyance, "Mom, stop being such a people-pleaser." Leah’s darkest fear is that she will not give enough and wind up all alone, abandoned by her friends and family.

While being nice sounds like a good idea, there’s a problem. It doesn’t work. People pleasers often take care of others at expense of themselves. Activities that promote health, like daily walk and a good night’s sleep are sacrificed when someone else is in need. Trying to avoid or ignore conflict and anger is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. Unexpressed feelings can pop up as physical ailments, such as heartburn or depression or back pain. When your value as a person is defined by what other people think about you, and you don’t measure up, food or alcohol medicate emptiness.

If you’re a people-pleaser who gets sick, same behaviors that got you to doctor in first place may stand in way of getting good health care. You might not want to "trouble your doctor" with your problems. If you have side effects from a medication, you might simply stop taking pills rather than tell your doctor that you want to try a different medication. A cross look from front office staff when you ask for a copy of your medical record may be all you need to decide that you’re not doing that again.

The bottom line is that being nice can be hazardous to your health. It erodes your health and impairs your ability to get better if you’re sick.