Beating The OddsWritten by Monique Rider
BEATING THE ODDSI met Joe when I was fifteen. We were married eight months after we met. I was 16 and he was 19. I could not drive and I dropped out of school right after wedding. This was beginning of eight years of struggling, sacrificing, and heartache. I became more and more dependant on my husband. He became center of my life. I had very few friends and no outside interests. I am confused as to whether he made me become dependant on him or if I allowed it to happen. Maybe it was a little of both. I was young and vulnerable and needed to depend on someone. To keep me dependant on him he used mind games, intimidation, manipulation and guilt trips. He wouldn't allow me to have a checking account or credit cards. He had me believing I could not handle money - that I wouldn't be able to balance checkbook and that I would run up charge cards. He told me we were always behind on our bills because I couldn't figure budget correctly. So, he controlled money and, still, bills never got paid. He rarely let me go anywhere alone. He said there were too many weirdoes out there who could hurt me. Eventually, I either went places with him or I stayed home. I was afraid to even walk across street to park - so I never went. He did not make me submit by becoming violent with me. He was, however, violent with other people. He was from an abusive family. His violence often emerged when he was drinking or on drugs. I witnessed many of his fights and beatings. I saw him break glass out of vehicles with a baseball bat. Even though he was not violent with me, maybe just seeing violence was what made me submit. Various weapons were kept throughout house and hidden behind furniture. Such as clubs, baseball bats, and guns. He slept with a sharpened machete next to his side of bed. Most of these weapons were used in his acts of violence against other people. He had quite a long police record and it seemed like we were forever paying his fines and restitution. If he could hold a job for more than six months, he was doing well. We moved around a lot because, either we couldn't pay rent and got kicked out, or Joe couldn't get along with landlords, so we would move. He constantly thought other people were out to get him. He thought whole world was against him. Each negative thing that happened to him, he blamed on someone else. He completely isolated me from people. We had moved away from my family and we didn't get along with his. He couldn't get along with our friends for very long periods of time. During an argument that was his fault, where he did something wrong, it was usually me that ended up apologizing. I felt as if I was one who did something wrong. He would accuse me of doing things that he, himself, was guilty of. Like being jealous, over possessive, bad with money, insecure. I then felt as if I had to strive to prove him wrong, to gain his respect. It was emotionally draining. I felt like I was making one sacrifice after another. I forgave him each time for being arrested, never coming home, or squandering rent money. For eight years we struggled and never had a thing to show for it. Meanwhile, I became more and more dependant on him. I still didn't drive. If I worked, it caused problems so I would quit. Any type of stress would cause his drinking to increase. He would drink and take drugs in binges. His behavior was very unpredictable. I felt as if things had to be just perfect for him, so he wouldn't get upset. Our first daughter was born in 1984. The stress of new baby caused another drinking binge, which eventually led to Joe being arrested. He had gotten into a fight and was charged with assault and destruction of property. Joe was between jobs most of time. He refused
| | Celebrating TriumphWritten by Monique Rider
CELEBRATING TRIUMPHAt age seven I was sexually abused by my father and grandfather. Those memories were repressed until four years ago, at age 33. After several years of therapy and a supportive family, I began to heal. I became stronger during that healing process. By looking inward to analyze my own pain I learned a lot about myself. I confronted my father about abuse and stood my ground during his denial. Through healing process I realized why, at age 16, I married an abusive man. It was in an effort to escape my father, yet I ended up with someone just like him. After eight years of marriage, I left with my two children. The abuse left me scared and ashamed of my body, always feeling dirty and unworthy. Self-acceptance was something I just could not understand. I now know that self acceptance is key to abundance. I am trying to learn that decision to accept myself and accept happiness is up to me. It is not appropriate to rely on someone else’s approval because that can be destructive. Human behavior is inconsistent so why would we want to put our faith in a human? It is one thing to trust and love, but quite another thing to base our entire self-esteem – core of our being – on what someone else thinks. The childhood and marital abuse has sensitized me to pain of others and I have been able to use my own pain to help them. I am very much in touch with my own feelings
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