Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
BRAZEN BACKYARD BLUNDERS
-- Or, how to avoid doing things you shouldn’t do in your yard --
By Aphrodite Beamish, a half-witted, hey-nonny-nonny harridan and makeover maven of bliss-challenged, breathtakingly bewildering if not botched-up backyards of America
The dog days of summer are clearly upon us, judging from plethora of pesky pets and people to be found gadding about in nooky-conscious neighborhoods of America.
Statistics say, (and you known those nifty numbers never lie), that seven out of ten Americans prefer to spend their leisure time lollygagging at home rather than lusting out and about in dens of impropriety and iniquity. So, if ‘moral majority’ is just a tad hot and bothered this summer, it’s not surprising that 84% also want to “revitalize their outdoor living space” (provided they haven’t gone bankrupt remodeling kitchen and renovating bathroom).
For those with decadent dreams and a dismal credit rating, following advice will warm cockles of your heart (more than a new hot tub, patio heater, or a blinking barbecue).
Here are top ten things not to do in your backyard this summer:
1. Do not make your back nine more “wilderness-friendly”, (we already have far too many Big Birds, Pink Elephants, and One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eaters schlepping around sampling pet bowls for freebie eats and drinks than urban dwellers can cope with).
2. Avoid Extreme Fantasy or Humungous Backyard Sports (like Tiddlywinks’ Tournaments, Toe-Wrestling Competitions, and Classic Hopscotch Games which cause far too many injuries to adults who enjoy acting like kids, Billy goats, and jungle-gym bunnies).
3. Squelch need to showcase one’s nincompoop avocations, (whether they involve storage of rusted relics or recycled refuse including pitted pick-up trucks, beaten-up bikes, limp lawn-mowers, well-worn what’s-its, whatever’s, and whatnots).