If you ARE looking for that perfect relationship, stop reading this article and do one of two things: (1) Go to one of those websites that promises something like that and be “taken” again, or (2) Brush up on your emotional intelligence skills. Looking for anything perfect is an unrealistic expectation. Promising that is a ploy people use to sell you things! It’s also a personality trait that will make your life miserable.
Perfectionists expect too much of themselves and others, and though it may be from insecurity, it is perceived as arrogant and unpleasant. The worse thing it does is make you yourself miserable.
Nothing will ever be perfect, including yourself, including
other, including your job, your project, weather, or your relationships. There will be wonderful moments, and “good enough” moments, but perfection is not an earthly quality! We’re humans!
So, assuming you’re willing to set aside “perfect,” let’s look at what it takes to have a GOOD relationship.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE SKILLS
When someone is talking to me about meeting someone new they’ve been dating online, they sometimes ask, “What should I do? How should I act?” The answer is always, “Just be yourself,” and higher your EQ (emotional intelligence) better able you will be to “just be yourself.” Of course everyone puts their best foot forward in early stages, but being ready to date and find a good relationship requires that you know yourself and accept yourself. Self-awareness is cornerstone of emotional intelligence.
Being ready to date means you’ve come to an understanding about past relationships, including relationships with your parents, siblings, and previous partners. Coming to peace with things as they are. Changing what you can change, and learning how to let go of things you cannot change. Only when you reach this place can you approach each new relationship for what it is – a NEW one. AUTHENTICITY
What we’re looking for in a partner, is authenticity; unless two of you are authentic – able to be who you are – there can be no meeting of two real people.
You can’t be authentic, if you aren’t perceiving clearly. If you still see in each new person of opposite sex, traits of your former partner, you can’t be authentically in new relationship because you won’t be reacting to them as they really are.
BEING ADAMANTLY AND RELENTLESSLY SELF-FORGIVING
This is another important EQ competency. It means you have put past behind you and forgiven your former partner(s) AND yourself for past grievances, realizing everyone was doing best they knew how to at time, with limited information they had available at time.
Bear in mind, that forgiving yourself will always be hardest thing to do.
I had a coaching client who was having trouble letting go of her former spouse who said, “I can’t forgive him for what I did to him.”
How will you know when you’ve made peace with situation and are ready for a new beginning?
It means you can be around your ex and not react strongly about anything; I mean unless house is on fire. In other words, they can’t jerk your chain in old ways, or in case of serious grievances, you have been able to let go “well enough”. You can care about them in a general sense and wish them well. “Goodwill,” you might call it. It means knowing that “hating” is same thing as “loving” because they have equal intensity, and until you can move into a neutral space, able to regulate your emotional response to your ex, you are in a trap, and not ready to love someone new.
