Title: Are You Invisible? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 754 Category: Emotional Healing, personal growth

ARE YOU INVISIBLE? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen’s feeling and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible – to ourselves and to others. What are some of ways you create invisibility?

Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

Do you put aside your own opinions and accept opinions of others to be accepted?

Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse behavior?

Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock boat?

Are you carrying too much of load at home or at work, without complaint?

Mark Twain once made a comment that illustrates my grandmother’s idea perfectly. He said: “It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of rigidity out of it.”

That’s exactly what we need to do in order to be open to new ideas. We’ve got to take our brains out and dance on them! Do twist. Do a little clogging. Tap. Cha-Cha. Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

We all know people whose brains we’d like to flamenco. And if we’re honest, we’ll admit to needing to have our own brain danced upon from time to time.

It’s not that we set out to be rigid. We establish certain thinking patterns and we build whole belief systems that may or may not serve us well. At some point, we get complacent, lazy, or just plain clueless about boxes we’ve built for ourselves.

We humans have an interesting way of hanging on to old thoughts and beliefs. We end up with a cupboard full of ideas past their shelf life—unexamined, unused, but still taking up space.

Our thoughts become incredibly repetitive as certain cues pop up in course of day.

Let’s say that every morning, you listen to news, full of turmoil and despair, and it reminds you that you’re not sure if you want to have a child with so much uncertainty in world. Then you get in shower and get ready for work, and as you look in mirror, you realize you aren’t getting any younger, and maybe you’d better make that decision to have kids now while you still can. And then, as you drive to work, you pass a school, and you calculate how old you’ll be when your child is same age as students you see. Then you get to office and wonder how you’d be able to juggle work and a family at same time.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Every single day.

That’s just one example. There are many. It could be about your job, your weight, your relationships—you know top ten things on your own mental list. No matter what you’re facing in life, you have cues that bring it up for you again and again. You thought about it yesterday, you’re thinking about it today, and you’re going to think about it again tomorrow.

What if you did some applied thinking? Not just that casual sort of obsessing you do daily, but serious applied thought?

We need to learn how to think more efficiently and effectively. Dr. Edward de Bono is a former Rhodes scholar who was on faculty at Cambridge, Oxford, and Harvard universities. He is considered world’s foremost authority on creative thinking.