Title: Are You Addicted to Anger? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 789 Category: Emotional Healing, Personal Growth

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO ANGER? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so threat was always there.

Michael was oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.

As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.

"Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?" I asked.

"I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes anger."

"What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?"

"I guess I felt pretty much alone."

"You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening."

"Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless."

"What triggers that helpless feeling now?"

"Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do."

"So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?"

The apparent satisfaction that you gain from your habits is real reason that you might fail to overcome them. Whether real or imaginary, it is value you place on satisfaction that determines how successful you are in overcoming them. This then, leaves you with a question that you must answer before you can go any further with this topic: "Are you prepared to pay price?" You need to address question of not so much being prepared to give up habit, but to give up that "satisfaction" that it brings.

I keep putting word "satisfaction" in inverted commas simply because often as habits are concerned, any such occurrence is simply masking negative effects that are taking place behind scenes. Such effects can by physical, spiritual, or both. This type of gratification and/or delivery of it is nothing more than a master of illusion.

Simple examples of this would be:

Cigarettes - "they calm nerves"

Alcohol - "it helps me relax and unwind"

Coffee - "it wakes me up"

Such gratuitous statements cover up damaging effects that such habits may be having behind scenes. In cigarette smoking for example, damage to lungs and potentially lethal existence of cancer.

So why? Why do millions of people participate in those things/experiences that potentially are source of damage or even death? Some will say that it is simply out of habit, but in reality, problem starts sooner than that. As all things, it starts with a first step. But of course, that first step has gone now. For purposes of this particular article, it has disappeared into ether. So forget about first step, forget even about successive steps that have brought you to where you are today. The real question is what is to be next step? What step is it that you must take to overcome most demanding of habits?

So how do we do it? Do you just read some words and that`s that? Well, if you are really motivated and all you need is a little push, then maybe. In reality though, it is going to need more than that.

If I take a large jug and place it under a dripping tap, it is gradually going to fill with water. At some point, it will overflow, as it cannot hold any more than it already does. The tap keeps dripping, jug keeps overflowing. Place yourself in position of jug. What is it going to take to stop you from overflowing? Someone needs to turn off that tap!

Ah that it were that simple. I am not most practical of people in doing things around house. I have a go, but often things like practical tasks take a while to get done - just ask my wife! One of those little things that I need to do is to replace one or two tap washers. Currently, to turn off kitchen tap it takes almost superhuman effort. In applying this effort, tap is now pointed at an odd angle! The moral of story is that in order to overcome greatest habit, you need to terminate flow, and to terminate flow, you need to terminate source. In our example, that is not enough, you also need to strengthen means of terminating source. Let`s move on...

I did get as far as visiting hardware store to look for tap washers. I left without buying any. The reason? They come in various sizes and I had no idea what size I needed! I at least had enough wherewithal to realize that if I didn`t get right size, I was going to have water all over place!

Stopping flow is a key factor in getting over any habit, but if you have sufficient strength to simply do that, then my hat goes off to you. The normal everyday answer though, lies in deflection and diversion. When rains come and floods come roaring down, what do you need to keep control of situation? Things like dams, or on a smaller scale, flood barriers or channels play a significant role in breaking habit of normal flow of water. On some remote island where waters gush down mountainside, it is a common problem for villages etc to be washed away. In some areas of world, nature has been confronted and water safely diverted out to sea.

In our day to day lives, providing such diversions and dams is not new. Rather than reconstruct what already exists or come up with some "magic potion" or latest "as seen on TV" product, it would greatly help process if you would look inwardly for a while. Ask yourself this simple question: "Does it really matter?"

We are not talking about some simple habit here. We are talking about something more major. It may not be seen as major by everybody, but for you it is significant. So, if your will is not behind breaking habit, if you are not positively determined, if you are not prepared to do whatever it takes to break habit, then you might as well give up now...

Still with me? Great. That tells me something about you. It tells me you are sincere. That you believe from deep inside that there is a need for this habit of yours to be brought to a close once and for all. It tells me that despite any "pleasure" it may generate, you can see beyond that. You can see that "pleasure" you are experiencing is an illusion when compared against what kind of lifestyle you really want, what kind of character you really want to be and so forth. Okay. Let`s do it. Let`s make that change. You`ve come with me so far, now pick up plan and run with it.

STEP 1: Recognize that your habit is not acceptable - not even mildly.

This step is crucial. If in back of your mind somewhere, you are saying to yourself something like..."Oh it`s okay. So what if you never really overcome this habit. I mean, it`s not like it`s end of world is it?" What kind of impression are you giving your subconscious? What kind of inner character are you developing? Just how much sincerity is being given to this project? So - really recognize what is meant by an unacceptable habit.

STEP 2: Find an opposite acceptable habit.