Anniversary Blues

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long asrepparttar author resource box atrepparttar 126234 end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.

Title: Anniversary Blues Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: Word Count: 1110 Category: Relationships

Anniversary Blues By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurtís busy schedule andrepparttar 126235 limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt withrepparttar 126236 real issues at hand,repparttar 126237 problem was bound to resurface. Jamie unknowingly began plantingrepparttar 126238 seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring uprepparttar 126239 subject of their anniversary.

"Kurt, I just wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and itĎs really important that we plan something special for us."

Kurt took a deep breath and responded, "Jamie, you know I donít really like celebrations." "Oh come on Kurt. Itís really important to me." Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. "When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I maderepparttar 126240 plans last year and now itís your turn. Why donít you surprise meÖsomething really romantic! Okay?"

Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was allrepparttar 126241 assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional. She could barely work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his everlasting love. Finally,repparttar 126242 day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie was anxious. With each glance atrepparttar 126243 clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Kurt walked throughrepparttar 126244 door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses. Jamie tookrepparttar 126245 roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out ofrepparttar 126246 fridge, and sank intorepparttar 126247 couch, grabbingrepparttar 126248 remote control.

Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice. "Thatís it?" she asked.

"Thatís what?"

"Thatís it? Itís our anniversary!" Jamieís tone grew sharp. "You said you would plan something special and romantic and thisÖ" shakingrepparttar 126249 roses in her clenched fist, "this is it?"

"I never said I would do anything," Kurt retorted. "I told you it wasnít my thing." "Don t lie to me! You nodded yes!"

"No, I didnít. I didnít agree to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldnít want to after you tell me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back torepparttar 126250 TV. You take allrepparttar 126251 fun out of everything.

Jamie dissolved into tears. "Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldnít have to say anything."

Without a word, Kurt turned offrepparttar 126252 TV and leftrepparttar 126253 house.

Once again, Jamie and Kurt were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior.

In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look atrepparttar 126254 interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to protect.

Jamie starts out trying to control Kurt by making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him feel, moves into resistance, which is his form of control. Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control) will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary. Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he moves into silence (control). Finally, when Kurt comes home late and sits onrepparttar 126255 sofa, he demonstrates passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with anger (control). Kurt uses more resistance (control) and Jamie uses more anger and guilt (control). Kurt gets defensive (control) and disappears (control). Attack, resist, blame, defend, on and onÖSound familiar?

Safe Relationship Spaces

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long asrepparttar author resource box atrepparttar 126233 end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.

Title: Safe Relationship Spaces Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: Word Count: 1529 Category: Relationships


I have been counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners forrepparttar 126234 past 35 years and have numerous published books onrepparttar 126235 subject of relationships and relationship communication. Most ofrepparttar 126236 couples I work with, even those in deep trouble when starting counseling with me, resolve their difficulties because they learn to create safe relationship spaces through a process called Inner Bonding (see how to download a free Inner Bonding course atrepparttar 126237 end of this article).

Inrepparttar 126238 depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others. That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants, for example, thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don't have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don't have these things. Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend.

We all intuitively know thatrepparttar 126239 highest experience in life isrepparttar 126240 sharing of love. However, we often confuserepparttar 126241 idea of sharing love withrepparttar 126242 idea of getting love. We try to get love when we feel empty inside and can share love only when we learn to first fill ourselves with love. We cannot share that which we do not have within. The wounded part of us seeks constantly to get love and avoid pain, resulting in an inability to share love. Until we each acceptrepparttar 126243 full responsibility of becoming strong enough to love, we will not be able to share love. This means creating inner safety by learning how to love ourselves and take responsibility for our own feelings, so that we are not constantly trying to get love.

Most people have deep fears of rejection and abandonment, as well as of domination and engulfment. These fears stem from childhood experiences and from defining our worth externally through others' approval, rather than internally through spiritual eyes of truth. We will be unable to share our love torepparttar 126244 fullest extent until we heal these fears of loss of other and of loss of self. We will be unable to createrepparttar 126245 safe relationship space in which to share love, and a safe world in which to live, until we learn how to create safety within.

Inner Bonding, which is a six step spiritual healing process, is a profound process for healing our fears, creating safety within, and for creating safe relationship spaces, spaces where each person feels free to be fully themselves, to speak their truth and grow into their full potential.

It is possible in all relationships to create loving connection. Family, friends, co-workers, employers and employees, who are willing to learnrepparttar 126246 skills necessary to healrepparttar 126247 blocks to connection can all create safe relationship spaces.

A relationship space isrepparttar 126248 environment in whichrepparttar 126249 relationship is occurring. It isrepparttar 126250 energy created byrepparttar 126251 two people involved. I think of this environment, this relationship space, as an actual entity that both people are responsible for creating. It can be a safe relationship space, which is open, warm, light, and inviting, or it can be an unsafe relationship space, which is hard, dark, unforgiving, and full of fear. The kind of environment in which our relationship takes place is crucial to its success--or failure.

Atrepparttar 126252 heart of all relationship issues is our intent. We are always choosing our intent, but most people are unconscious ofrepparttar 126253 fact that they are making a choice each moment. At any given moment there are only two possible intents to choose from:

o The intent to avoid painful feelings and responsibility for them, through some form of controlling behavior.

o The intent to learn about loving ourselves and others and take full responsibility for our own feelings and behavior.

Every relationship has a system. The system may be open and loving, or controlling and unloving. Relationship systems start surprisingly early, sometimes withinrepparttar 126254 first minutes or days of meeting.

A safe relationship space exists when two or more people intend to learn and are willing to take full personal responsibility for their own feelings, while accepting that their energy and behavior affects others. When both individuals fully accept that they are a part of an energy system, i.e., they recognize that each person's energy affectsrepparttar 126255 other, and they are willing to take responsibility both for their own controlling behavior and for their responses torepparttar 126256 controlling behavior of others, they create a safe relationship space. Such a space is a circle of loving energy that results from each person's deep desire to learn what is most loving to themselves and others. To create a safe relationship space, all persons involved need to be deeply committed to learning about their own controlling behavior, rather than focusing on what another is doing. Rather than giving themselves up to avoid rejection or attempting to get others to give themselves up to feel safe, each person is devoted to their own andrepparttar 126257 other's highest good, supporting themselves and each other in becoming all they can be.

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