Anger and your healthWritten by Dr. Tony Fiore
Anger and your healthHOW YOUR OUTLOOK INFLUENCES HEALTH AND ABILITY TO CONTROL ANGER Jane and Anthony have differing ways of viewing world. Jane is a pessimist (the glass is half-empty), while Anthony is an optimist (the glass is half-full). These outlooks influence how they experience similar situations. SCENARIO 1: JOB LOSS Jane is devastated, convincing herself that she is all washed up, she can never catch a break, it is useless for to try to be successful, and she is never going to succeed at anything. Anthony, however, has a healthier inner dialog. He tells himself he may not have been good at that particular job, his skills and company’s needs did not mesh, and being fired was only a temporary setback in his career. SCENARIO 2: NEW JOBS Offered a new job, Jane, pessimist, believes she was able to find a new job only because her industry is now really desperate for people, and must have lowered their standards to hire her. Anthony, however, feels he landed new job because his talents were finally recognized and he can now be appreciated for what he can do. IMPLICATIONS As these examples illustrate, optimists tend to interpret their troubles as transient, controllable and specific to situations. Recent research by Dr. Marvin Seligman confirms this. When good things happen, optimists believe causes are permanent, resulting from traits and abilities. Optimists further believe that good events will enhance everything they do. Pessimists, on other hand, believe their troubles will last forever, will undermine everything they do, and are basically beyond their control. When good things happen to pessimists, they see them as temporary and caused by specific factors that will eventually change and lead to negative outcomes. BENFITS OF OPTIMISM Optimism creates better resistance to depression when bad events strike, better performance at work, and better physical health. In fact, one long term study at Mayo clinic in Rochester, MN, found that optimists lived 19% longer than pessimists.
| | What Does It Mean to Have Boundaries?Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves,” writes Robert Burney, in “Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.” The term “boundaries” has been around for some time, and if ever a term needed an adjective before it, it would be “boundaries.” For instance, we want “healthy” boundaries, not “permanent” boundaries. We want “semi-permeable” boundaries, not “rigid” boundaries.In other words, we want to be able to protect and take care of ourselves, but to also be able to enjoy healthy relationships. We want choice. What is appropriate for an intimate relationship is different than a work relationship, and what we ‘allow’ from our child is different than what we would allow with a peer or partner. Let’s take a look at these two terms – boundaries and codependence – in terms of new field of Emotional Intelligence. A boundary as “something (a line, point or plane) that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” We could look at it, in interpersonal relationships, as “the line between you and me.” Knowing where you leave off and other person begins, but not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. “Co-dependence” is apparently what happens when those lines get blurred. And recalling back to Government 101 and definition of “freedom” – “Your right to extend your fist ends at my nose.” It’s for sure we need to be able to protect and take care of ourselves, but we also need to allow people into our lives intimately. The boundary can serve as a protection, but if not used properly, it becomes a prison. SOME TYPES OF BOUNDARIES A Line Probably this happened to you at one time or other in your life, particularly if you shared a room with a sibling. You drew a line down room and declared “This is MY side. You stay on YOUR side.” It may have been a real line, or it may have been imaginary. It was territorial – a way to take care of your things, and lessen fighting. A Wall Hadrian’s Wall is a famous boundary. One of greatest monuments to power that was Rome, it ran for 73 miles across open country between what is now Scotland and UK (http://www.aboutscotland.com/hadrian/wall.html ). Ordered by Emperor Hadrian, it was designed to keep Celts back, to separate “barbarians” from Romans. It was a ‘line’ between two territories and people, but being 10 Roman feet wide, and about 30 feet tall (as best I can tell), it was far more substantial than a line in sand, or a piece of string across a bedroom. A Picket Fence Now, in terms of interpersonal relationships and “boundaries,” I prefer something more like a picket fence. Why? Because I don’t want a Hadrian’s wall in my life. The good guys couldn’t get across it, but it’s not likely to stop bad guys. The line? Well, I roomed with a sister, and she could still yell at me across line, and torment me in other ways. In fact it was great fun for both of us to reach across line. A picket fence appeals to me because it has intervals, and could be protective “enough.” It would be a nice pleasant sign that I wanted to be treated well. I always picture it with red climbing roses all over it. Also it would take just enough effort to get “through”. As far as fences goes, it can’t really keep anything either in or out. It would just make them think (if a person) or slow down (if a dog or a person). It’s “symbolic.” Therefore, assertive rather than aggressive. It says “I want respect,” rather than, “I’m afraid you’ll disrespect me.”
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