Currently circulating Internet is “Man’s Rules”. The sender requests you send it on to all females, so that women will “finally understand men.” It’s a list of things men want women to understand, and like all humor, it makes a point. Then again to men it might not be so humorous.
And here we go on communication …
Point number 6 is: “Ask for what you want. Let us be perfectly clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Hints DO NOT WORK!
So I could end article here, except this isn’t about male and female communication, it’s about hints. It’s about communication:
·Communication is much harder than it appears to be. Assume you’re being misunderstood, and also assume you are misunderstanding are two good basic assumptions to make. ·The more you care about person and relationship harder it is to be direct, because stakes of turndown are higher. ·Men aren’t only sex that doesn’t get “hints” ·Hints DO NOT WORK.
Now let me elaborate.
HARD & HARDER
We need to get something straight from beginning. All coaching, all psychology, all Charm School, all Emotional Intelligence, all seminars, lessons and eBooks in world will not get your what you want all time.
That’s a sad fact of life. So more you want it, and more you want it from a certain person, more risk.
There are many situations where we feel we MUST have something. A compliment, a reassurance or a word of comfort from our partner. A project deadline met at work. A contract signed. A larger part of pie. For our child to wear pink dress instead of dirty blue jeans. A date. A marriage.
Never is it guaranteed. The more vague and “hinty” you are about it, less likely you are to get it however. Here’s one reason why. If person has it to give, and wants to give it, they’ll give it. If not, they won’t. Any ‘vagueness’ leaves you in that territory where they can pretend to give you something you pretend you want. And ah, resentment.
It’s easier in long run. Take your “nos” upfront and move on. Either into a more convincing argument, or on to another source, or downgrading “need” to a “preference.”
MEN & HINTS
I don’t see this as particular to male of species. It can exist between sexes, that’s for sure, but I’m afraid to break news that I think it happens between all people.
I’ve had male bosses tell me things that were completely incomprehensible to me. They might as well have been “hints” for all sense they made. I consider, “Produce a pleading,” when I don’t know what a “pleading” is to be “hint.”
Just because women are traditionally ahead in empathy and in area of personal relationships, we consider asking for nurturing or comfort to be hints, but it doesn’t remain just with females.
I think men ask also “hint” for things. They ask for something else when they don’t know how to ask for what they want, or what it’s called, and in that sense, it’s a “hint.”
Take kids for instance – always a safer topic, right? When your three year scoops his plate off table and on to floor he’s “hinting” that he doesn’t like something. I almost wrote “doesn’t like what’s being served,” but it could be anything with a three year old, and that’s trouble with “hints.” Maybe it wasn’t carrots but plate or his little sister.