Accepting That You Are the Problem Written by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
Although many of you out there fancy yourselves as warm, loving, and competent fathers, you are sometimes problem in your relationship with your kids. This may be difficult to hear, but if you make this secret cornerstone of who you are as a father, you’ll increase your chances for success and effectiveness with your kids. Deny that this is ever a problem, and you’ll continue to create problems without your knowledge of it. Sound complicated? It’s not, just read on.It’s incredibly easy to get to a place of judging your children harshly and blaming them for problems in your family. If you’re married, you may also get to same place with your wife. Fathers can easily see themselves as hard-working dads who care about their family and do all of “right” things for them. You may have a hard time seeing your own contribution to any problems your family has. But there is an important reason that you are problem, and it’s a concept that can be used in any relationship in your life: In any relationship that you’re in, other person really knows how you feel about them! Words don’t have to be spoken here. Your loved ones have an intuitive sense about your feelings for them, and they’re usually quite accurate. When you’re not feeling good about your son or daughter, when you’re feeling they are embarrassing you or aren’t living up to “your standards,” you’re letting them know in some way that they’re failing. When they pick up on those feelings, what you will notice is that you will get more of very behavior that you are disturbed about. If you see your son as incapable, he will tend to “live down” to your expectation and be incapable. If you see your daughter as weak and dependent, you’ll get a good dose of these qualities as well. Do you see how you’re problem here? It’s important to note that this initial “seed” of blame will have a tendency to cycle and grow stronger. The more your kids feel blamed for their behavior, more negative feelings will come your way. In their book, “Leadership and Self-Deception (2000),” Arbinger Institute talks about how easily we deceive ourselves and blame others, causing our relationships to worsen. Not only do we easily blame others, we are totally unaware of how we contribute to problem by initiating this blame.
| | Hey Dad, How do You Handle Your Kids Mistakes?Written by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
One of most difficult parts of being a father is learning to accept your children’s mistakes. It certainly can be easy to be loving, supportive, and helpful when your children are mistake-free, but most fathers who are paying attention don’t find too many mistake-free periods of their children’s lives. Let’s be clear about our kids and their mistakes. There aren’t too many kids who get up in morning, rub their hands together and say, I wonder how I can screw up today and really bother my dad! Kids don’t enjoy or want to make mistakes, it’s just one of ways that they learn about world. Kids usually try to do their best; but they’re doing their best considering resources they have at time. Sometimes they’re tired, sometimes they’re easily distracted, and sometimes they’re strong-willed, but they generally do best they can. It’s quite easy for us to unfairly judge them according to their best efforts in past. When our kids make mistakes, we have choices to make. Fathers can either make choices that help to create kids who are defensive and who lie to them …or they can make choices that help to create kids who can learn from their mistakes and improve upon them. Kids who fear punishment or loss of love in response to their mistakes learn to hide their mistakes. These children live in two different places--one place where they have love and support of their father (parents), and another where they feel that if their mistakes were discovered, they would be undeserving of that love. It’s hard for these kids to fully accept their parents’ love and support even when it is expressed. It’s also difficult for these kids to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be fearful of failing.
|
