I must first of all apologize for not including my address on this letter. In this age of terrorism, one should be wary of disclosing private addresses in public places. So I decided to send you this mail from "an undisclosed secret location."
The purpose of my writing you, however, is to congratulate you for your "decisive" victory in November election. You must see what I am doing this moment—playing my ukulele in my garden and singing "God Bless America." Do you know how to play musical instruments?
But I do not even think that that is necessary. For did Bob Kerry not gad about town twanging his guitar with his right fingers and wiping big drops of sweat with left? Didn't know that gals don't like sweaters. And lost badly. I heard he wept profusely too. Was that true? He thought that ability to play musical instruments win elections, just because Bill Clinton "saxophoned" your dad out of office. But Kerry wasn't Bill.
You have shown that you have guts, and that only gung-ho men rule America. For did you not bungee jump from top floor of Empire State Building other day while singing Star-Spangled Banner--landing unscathed at ground zero and blowing hot kisses to cheering spectators. You might protest enacting such "kamikaze" acts, but that was exactly what you did when you single handedly "vanished" ALL those BEASTS who brought down World Trade Center and flew them blindfolded with their arms chained to their seats for RE-EDUCATION at Guantanamo. And endeared yourself to hearts of Americans ever after.
So, why did Democrats suddenly dream up word "electability" and thought that Kerry was "best thing" to happen to America just because he saved ONE fellow soldier from drowning in a river in far away Vietnam. And they even downplayed your role in war. Or did you not fight?
But all that is history, now. You are electable, Kerry is not. Period. And many of your detractors, not just Democrats, will be put to shame.
Let's consider friends of earth. Just before election, they prayed to see your back, saying that you had better earth perished than honor Kyoto Agreement. But now you won! Do not take them serious.
The earth is gong to die, anyway. TIME magazine gives it about 4 billion years to go. If it doesn't stop turning, a stray asteroid from outer space might just as well kiss it a hasty goodbye.
What do they even do in those earth summits than watch half-naked dancing virgins, gulp down multi-colored wines, swallow exotic meals and leave earth to groan in pains. And yet they say you are earth's mortal enemy.
Even some world leaders (particularly those in EU), and big time politicians are disappointed that you are still around. Not a few of them regard you as a self-willed and strong-headed man. Nelson Mandela who used a word that sounded like "psychopath" and former German official, who called you a "nazi," will be most disappointed. Chirac and Schroder--old Europeans--would weep like babies.
Your list of enemies is a fairly long one (I hope you are keeping a black book). Because Nobel laureates—even these ones—have joined infamous register. Just before election a group of them signed a statement calling on all Americans to remove you. Because you are world enemy number one. Imagine such a statement coming from most distinguished persons on earth. Now, they are walking with their tails between their legs.
Come to think of it, Bush, Did some of them merit award? I know that they would equally ask if you deserved victory. But seriously speaking, was it not Alfred Nobel who invented explosives, which they now say that you are using to "dynamite" people at random? Don't mind their hypocrisy. Not that you are even itching to be awarded prestigious prize. Damn them!