A Letter about Trust

Written by Sam Vaknin


The narcissistic condition emanates from a seismic breach of trust, a tectonic shift of what should have been a healthy relationship betweenrepparttar narcissist and his Primary Objects (parents or caregivers). Some of these bad feelings arerepparttar 126340 result of deeply entrenched misunderstandings regardingrepparttar 126341 nature of trust andrepparttar 126342 continuous act of trusting.

For millions of years nature embedded in usrepparttar 126343 notion thatrepparttar 126344 past can teach us a lot aboutrepparttar 126345 future. This is very useful for survival. And it is also mostly true with inanimate objects. With humansrepparttar 126346 story is less straightforward: it is reasonable to project someone's future behaviour from his past conduct (even though this proves erroneous some ofrepparttar 126347 time).

But it is mistaken to project someone's behaviour onto other people's. Actually, psychotherapy amounts to an attempt to disentangle past from present, to teachrepparttar 126348 patient thatrepparttar 126349 past is no more and has no reign over him, unlessrepparttar 126350 patient lets it.

Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test thereof. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love.

We must trust, it is almost biological. Most ofrepparttar 126351 time, we do trust. We trustrepparttar 126352 universe to behave according torepparttar 126353 laws of physics, soldiers not to go mad and shoot at us, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, we feel as though a part of us dies, is hollowed out.

Not to trust is abnormal and isrepparttar 126354 outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to rewardrepparttar 126355 people who wronged us and made us distrustful inrepparttar 126356 first place. Those people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This isrepparttar 126357 irony ofrepparttar 126358 lack of trust.

So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling of trust violated. They choose not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust like knives can be dangerous to your health if used improperly.

You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRMrepparttar 126359 existence of mutual, functional trust.

People often disappoint and are not worthy of trust. Some people act arbitrarily, treacherously and viciously, or, worse, offhandedly. You have to selectrepparttar 126360 targets of your trust carefully. He who hasrepparttar 126361 most common interests with you, who is invested in you forrepparttar 126362 long haul, who is incapable of breaching trust ("a good person"), who doesn't have much to gain from betraying you is not likely to mislead you. These people you can trust.

You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father but a womaniser.

You can trust someone to carry out some types of activities but not others, because they are more complicated, more boring, or do not conform to his values. We should not trust with reservations this isrepparttar 126363 kind of "trust" that is common in business and among criminals and its source is rational. Game Theory in mathematics deals with questions of calculated trust. We should trust wholeheartedly but know who to entrust with what. Then we will be rarely disappointed.

Born Aliens - Part I

Written by Sam Vaknin


Neonates have no psychology. If operated upon, for instance, they are not supposed to show signs of trauma later on in life. Birth, according to this school of thought is of no psychological consequence torepparttar newborn baby. It is immeasurably more important to his "primary caregiver" (mother) and to her supporters (read: father and other members ofrepparttar 126339 family). It is through them thatrepparttar 126340 baby is, supposedly, effected. This effect is evident in his (I will userepparttar 126341 male form only for convenience's sake) ability to bond. The late Karl Sagan professed to possessrepparttar 126342 diametrically opposed view when he comparedrepparttar 126343 process of death to that of being born. He was commenting uponrepparttar 126344 numerous testimonies of people brought back to life following their confirmed, clinical death. Most of them shared an experience of traversing a dark tunnel. A combination of soft light and soothing voices andrepparttar 126345 figures of their deceased nearest and dearest awaited them atrepparttar 126346 end of this tunnel. All those who experienced it describedrepparttar 126347 light asrepparttar 126348 manifestation of an omnipotent, benevolent being. The tunnel - suggested Sagan - is a rendition ofrepparttar 126349 mother's tract. The process of birth involves gradual exposure to light and torepparttar 126350 figures of humans. Clinical death experiences only recreate birth experiences.

The womb is a self-contained though open (not self-sufficient) ecosystem. The Baby's Planet is spatially confined, almost devoid of light and homeostatic. The fetus breathes liquid oxygen, rather thanrepparttar 126351 gaseous variant. He is subjected to an unending barrage of noises, most of them rhythmical. Otherwise, there are very few stimuli to elicit any of his fixed action responses. There, dependent and protected, his world lacksrepparttar 126352 most evident features of ours. There are no dimensions where there is no light. There is no "inside" and "outside", "self" and "others", "extension" and "main body", "here" and "there". Our Planet is exactly converse. There could be no greater disparity. In this sense - and it is not a restricted sense at all -repparttar 126353 baby is an alien. He has to train himself and to learn to become human. Kittens, whose eyes were tied immediately after birth - could not "see" straight lines and kept tumbling over tightly strung cords. Even sense data involve some modicum and modes of conceptualization (see: "Appendix 5 - The Manifold of Sense").

Even lower animals (worms) avoid unpleasant corners in mazes inrepparttar 126354 wake of nasty experiences. To suggest that a human neonate, equipped with hundreds of neural cubic feet does not recall migrating from one planet to another, from one extreme to its total opposition - stretches credulity. Babies may be asleep 16-20 hours a day because they are shocked and depressed. These abnormal spans of sleep are more typical of major depressive episodes than of vigorous, vivacious, vibrant growth. Taking into considerationrepparttar 126355 mind-boggling amounts of information thatrepparttar 126356 baby has to absorb just in order to stay alive - sleeping through most of it seems like an inordinately inane strategy. The baby seems to be awake inrepparttar 126357 womb more than he is outside it. Cast intorepparttar 126358 outer light,repparttar 126359 baby tries, at first, to ignore reality. This is our first defence line. It stays with us as we grow up.

It has long been noted that pregnancy continues outsiderepparttar 126360 womb. The brain develops and reaches 75% of adult size byrepparttar 126361 age of 2 years. It is completed only byrepparttar 126362 age of 10. It takes, therefore, ten years to completerepparttar 126363 development of this indispensable organ almost wholly outsiderepparttar 126364 womb. And this "external pregnancy" is not limited torepparttar 126365 brain only. The baby grows by 25 cm and by 6 kilos inrepparttar 126366 first year alone. He doubles his weight by his fourth month and triples it by his first birthday. The development process is not smooth but by fits and starts. Not only dorepparttar 126367 parameters ofrepparttar 126368 body change but its proportions do as well. Inrepparttar 126369 first two years, for instance,repparttar 126370 head is larger in order to accommodaterepparttar 126371 rapid growth ofrepparttar 126372 Central Nervous System. This changes drastically later on asrepparttar 126373 growth ofrepparttar 126374 head is dwarfed byrepparttar 126375 growth ofrepparttar 126376 extremities ofrepparttar 126377 body. The transformation is so fundamental,repparttar 126378 plasticity ofrepparttar 126379 body so pronounced that in most likelihood this isrepparttar 126380 reason why no operative sense of identity emerges until afterrepparttar 126381 fourth year of childhood. It calls to mind Kafka's Gregor Samsa (who woke up to find that he is a giant cockroach). It is identity shattering. It must engender inrepparttar 126382 baby a sense of self-estrangement and loss of control over who is and what he is.

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