A Georgia Superhero!Written by Ed Williams
One thing Iíve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that itís not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of Flash, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Green Lantern, and several others. Iím also quite excited that thereís a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that Iíll see it more than once is an understatement, Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope thisíll be start of a whole new string of Batman films.
All that having been said, Iíve started wondering if I could create a superhero. A superhero whoís different, a Southern superhero, and more specifically, a Georgia superhero. A superhero that we Georgians can claim as one of our own. And, if I think really hard about it, if I think of all unique things that Georgia has to offer, and if I think about kind of superhero that would excite me enough to go out and buy a comic book, one potential superhero fits bill. Readers of this column, yíall are about to be first people ever to hear about our newest superhero, yes, our first ever Georgia superhero - ladies and gentlemen, let me proudly introduce you to....
Red Clay Man!
Yes, thatís right, Red Clay Man! Faster than a man whoís just eaten a large helping of aged jalapenos! More powerful than a Okefenokee gator in heat! Able to leap tall fire ant mounds in a single bound!
IsnĎt he most? And donít laugh, Red Clay Man is endowed with powers far different than that of average superhero. All Red Clay Man has to do to get ready for some crime fighting is to go out into rural Georgia and fill up his Crackerjack Back Pack with handfuls of red clay. Armed with one of our most precious natural substances, he can go out and fight crime like no oneĎs business! Just think of it - a criminal holds up a bank in Metter and decides to drive out in country to count loot. He pulls over on some little back road somewhere and starts counting. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a big glob of red clay hits him smack between eyes! Heís blinded! And, if he happens to have presence of mind to try and run away, well, two globs of wet red clay splash down on ground right in front of him, causing him to slip and fall. At that point, Red Clay Man slaps his kudzu cuffs on evildoer and renders justice to him, Georgia style!
Hand me my Thongs!Written by Thck Mick
When I was a fart, thongs were somewhat different to what they are now.
As I understood it, thongs were made of steel, cast iron and brass. I remember using my neighbours thongs on a regular basis, to put coal into fire. I also remember using very same thongs to put ice into vodkas and other beverages, excluding hot whiskeys.
Now if I'm to believe younger generations, then thongs are now used to re-arrange genitals within various garments. I don't know what they are made from but would suspect that cast iron would harldy be comfortable, whatever about suitable. Brass thongs would be a bit on cold side, I'd say. (I had a scratching experience once, but will live with itch from then, on). I don't even know why genital arrangement is so important. And I can't even understand why thongs have become such a fashion statement, whatever that is.