There are probably as many definitions for success as there are people who want to succeed. And
targets for our efforts are many. We want to succeed in business. We want to be successful husbands and wives and parents. We want to whittle that golf score down to size. We want to be successful students, whether we are nineteen trying to decide on a major, or 45 trying to master that new computer program, or reaching for that promotion. More of us than ever, want to be successful entrepreneurs, doing what we love and praying for all we are worth that some money will follow. We even want to succeed spiritually --- that is, we want to effectively apply what we believe deep in our hearts to our day to day lives. Whatever your definition for success, wherever your sights are set, here are eight brief, but powerful lessons that will improve your chances of hitting mark. LESSON ONE: Forget about Control.
One of keys to success is accepting full responsibility for ourselves. Accepting this responsibility, contrary to popular belief, has nothing to do with being “in control.” There is a major distinction to be made between being “in control” and accepting responsibility of being “in charge.” I wouldn’t dare claim to be in control of all of various aspects of my life, but I do acknowledge that I am one in charge of my life.
Simply put: I have nothing to say about which cards are dealt me, but everything to say about how I will play those cards.
THE NUTSHELL: Be “in charge,” but forget about being “in control.”
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LESSON TWO: Reject Victim Within.
To accept full responsibility for ourselves is to renounce victimization. Victimization is a state of mind in which we believe that how we are doing in any particular moment is determined more by circumstances beyond our control than by how we choose to respond to those circumstances.
A victim will blame dealer of cards, or blame person who taught him how to play cards, or maybe even cards themselves. A victim may even take refuge in blaming himself, not understanding that there is an important difference between “assigning blame,” and “taking responsibility.” To admit that things are not going well in my life because I am a worthless piece of crap is not accepting responsibility. It is quite opposite. Hiding behind self-blame, and drowning in resulting shame is one of most efficient --- not to mention prevalent --- ways for us to avoid personal responsibility.
THE NUTSHELL: Being a victim is an indulgence I cannot afford.
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LESSON THREE: Recognize Continuum.
None of us are totally immune to victimization. At one time or another, we all think and act as victims, and we all think and act responsibly. It would be a mistake to claim that you are always a victim, or that you accept full responsibility for yourself all of time. Think of responsibility as a continuum along which you move back and forth, depending on any number of variables.
To enhance your chances for success, you will do well to perceive yourself in realistic terms along this continuum, and focus your efforts toward accepting full responsibility one day at a time. Remembering that you are in constant motion all along continuum is a powerful antidote for that pesky perfectionism.
THE NUTSHELL: Change is constant. I am always in motion along continuum.
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LESSON FOUR: Let Go of Perfection.
To be successful you must become both optimistic and realistic. This requires that you come to terms with your own human imperfection. To pretend that your very real human flaws do not exist is certain self-sabotage, as is thinking of yourself as nothing by flaws.
Contrary to popular opinion, striving for perfection is not productive; it is destructive --- at its worst, suicidal. By constantly expecting impossible of ourselves (perfection), we are set up to fail, over and over again. A perfectionist is not someone who does things perfectly; a perfectionist is someone who believes she is “supposed to” perform perfectly. Perfectionism is a condition of constant pain, and self-absorption.
Do very best you can, even challenge yourself to stretch beyond your current level of competence, but do not expect perfection.
THE NUTSHELL: Perfectionism is a state of constant self-victimization.
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LESSON FIVE: Disagree with Your “Shoulds.”
In our efforts (imperfect efforts) to recognize that perfection is not even one of our choices, we come face to face with perfectionism’s energy source: self-criticism. You must learn to identify and reject highly negatively biased view associated with your self-critical thinking.
Imagine yourself as a separate person from your self-critical thoughts. Experience yourself not as one doing criticizing, but as one being criticized. Although this is never much fun (standing in line of self-critical fire), separating from those predictable “should monsters” in our heads will create a place for “your own opinion.” It takes some time, but with practice you will learn to remain separate from self-critical thoughts, and ultimately to form your own, more realistic, more positive opinions of yourself.
