6 common marriage mistakes

Written by Tapan Sarkar

Every marriage starts with a lot of hope and dream about life long association filled with love and togetherness. But very few marriages fulfillrepparttar hopes ofrepparttar 122051 participants in totality.

There are various reasons for this but here we single out 6 of those. Every young person who is planning marriage should be aware of these most common pitfalls.

1. Marrying forrepparttar 122052 sake of love without first checkingrepparttar 122053 depth of love.

No denying that all relationships start with a sense of love and mutual liking. Committing to a long term relationship like marriage solely onrepparttar 122054 basis of that feeling of love is a mistake. Because most ofrepparttar 122055 time this kind of feeling is superficial and can not passrepparttar 122056 test of time. Romantic feeling dies as time passes and far more important issues like 'family background', 'values', 'religious faith', 'financial stability' raise their head, and these issues are of real importance which almost every body with feeling of mutual love ignore.

2. Marrying someone who does not share an interest or hobby.

While marriage with a person who does not share an interest or hobby does not itself makerepparttar 122057 marriage unstable, presence of such an interest or hobby can make life more enjoyable for bothrepparttar 122058 partners. And this can make a real difference so while selecting life partner this aspect must be taken into account. But for some reason or other this aspect is often overlooked before marriage. And efforts start after marriage to adaptrepparttar 122059 partner to one's own interest or develop a new common interest. While that is not an impossible task,repparttar 122060 process of adapting may become un- palatable and may lead to unstable marriage.

3. Not knowing what questions to ask for checking compatibility.

As discussed earlier that marriage decision based on initial sense of love may be counter productive. To make a marriage successful one should do some simple homework. Knowledge of future partner's background and certain other things can play a crucial role here. But many young persons either do not try to know all these important facts or do not know what are important aspects s/he must know to make their marriage successful.

S.T.O.P. ! A four-step strategy for handling conflicts and healing your relationship

Written by Betsy Sansby, MS, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Brain researchers have found that when people are angry, scared, or hurt, they're incapable of thinking straight. That's because stress hormones--designed to fuelrepparttar fight or flight response--floodrepparttar 122050 body, causingrepparttar 122051 rational part ofrepparttar 122052 brain to shut down, andrepparttar 122053 irrational part to take over. That's why angry people don't talk to each other, they rant and rave. They pout and drink. They work on their trucks, buy expensive shoes, kick in walls, or slap their kids.

The STOP Strategy is a process I teach allrepparttar 122054 couples and families I work with in my family therapy practice. It's a simple method for stoppingrepparttar 122055 hurt, disconnecting so you don't cause harm, cooling down until you're both thinking straight again, and reconnecting from a better place.

The best way to learn how The STOP Strategy works is to read through this article (when you're calm) so you'll understand how it works when you really need it. Once you understandrepparttar 122056 four steps, practice usingrepparttar 122057 strategy whenever little things come up between you and your partner. That way, you'll knowrepparttar 122058 steps by heart when something big happens.

This strategy not only works with couples, it also works great with kids. What's different here is that The Stop Strategy isn’t designed for just one person. It’s designed for two (and could be used by more). And unlike a typical Time Out--where one person banishes or abandons another—withrepparttar 122059 STOP Strategy, a Time Out begins with two people agreeing to separate in order to come back together after both have done some work on themselves.

This is whererepparttar 122060 healing begins. During a Time Out, both people are expected to reflect their own behavior and are asked to take responsibility for having done things that may have hurt someone else. They’re also asked to think of what they could have done to make things better. The last step requires both people to make a Peace Offering, a gesture that restores a spirit of goodwill torepparttar 122061 relationship.

Here arerepparttar 122062 four steps:

1. STOP! As soon as you notice yourself getting uncomfortable withrepparttar 122063 way your conversation is going, STOP! Then say: I need a time out. This gives you a chance to take a break without blaming your partner for your discomfort.

2. TIME OUT. This means physically separating from each other in order to stoprepparttar 122064 hurt. It means going away for 30-60 minutes and coming back after both of you have calmed down and have completed Step 3.

• Brain researchers have found that oncerepparttar 122065 heart is beating 95 bpm or above,repparttar 122066 thinking brain shuts down andrepparttar 122067 emotional brain takes over. This means it does no good to keep arguing when you’re both upset, becauserepparttar 122068 reasonable part of your brain is no longer listening.

• John Gottman’s research on marital satisfaction found that couples who disengage when things start heating up, and try again after both people are calmer, stay together and report greater satisfaction in their relationships.

Techniques for calming yourself down: Going for a walk, taking a hot bath, listening to quiet music, writing in a journal.

3. OWN YOUR PART. This means taking responsibility for your part in creatingrepparttar 122069 problem instead of attacking your partner or defending your position. To do this, answerrepparttar 122070 following questions:

Q: Have I engaged in any acts of overt muscling?

• Demanding sex and/or obedience. • Controlling resources: $, freedom, time. • Using violence or threats to control my partner. • Showing anger and contempt for my partner in public (includes: attacks on character or appearance as well as acting as if my partner is invisible). • Shouting or intimidating with words or gestures (includes: sarcasm, mocking, finger-pointing, cornering, taunting). • Blaming, belittling, interrogating, name-calling. • Hammering a point to death. • Ganging up on my partner by bringing in kids, in-laws, other allies. • Excusing my bad behavior by blaming my partner for it: “I wouldn’t drink if you weren’t so controlling.” • Doing any ofrepparttar 122071 above in front of our children.

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