Zombie, and Other Assorted Un-dead TypesWritten by By S. Joan Popek
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“But they’re dead!” you say. Yes and no. Why do you think we call them un-dead? They’re walking aren’t they? Well really sort of shuffling, but they’re on two feet. And they talk or moan or groan or something along guttural lines. And they always know exactly where people they are chasing are because they always show up no matter where hero runs with his heroine. That means they have control of their faculties, right?
Speaking of control, have you ever noticed that zombies never need to go to bathroom? They devour entire human bodies, (using atrocious table manners, I might add) and drink gallons of human blood, but they never have to go. Why is that? Maybe kidneys of steel are a requirement to be in flick like this?
And their personal hygiene, UGGH! Matted hair, toothless mouths, grubby skin, and tattered clothes. Haven’t they ever heard of Colgate®? And they don’t care! They even sometimes have orgies around a bonfire and not a drop of water or a cake of soap anywhere in sight. Not even a single spray of Binaca®! What kind of logic is that? I wouldn’t think of attending an orgy without my breath mints–Ahem–er–uh–not that I’ve ever–ah–well anyway, back to zombies.
I think someone ought to set movie industry straight. Un-dead creatures deserve same treatment as any other monster. Heck, even The Blob took an occasional dip in river. And did you ever saw Dracula in a wrinkled suit? Get with it Hollywood. Clean up your act. Justa Rant, Jo
Copyright 2000 S. Joan Popek. Copyright on all material in this publication is held by S. Joan Popek. Any use without expressed written permission is strictly prohibited.
S. Joan Popek publishing accomplishments include the EPPIE 2000 Award winner, THE ADMINISTRATOR from The Fiction Works, SOUND THE RAM'S HORN, previously from Bookmice.com and soon available from Hard Shell Word Factory, and a nonfiction, JUMP START YOUR CAREER WITH ELECTRONIC PUBLISHERS, an EPPIE 2002 Finalist, is now available at Atlantic Bridge Publishing.
The Gambling TripWritten by Chris Bradford & Brande McCreee
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I hollered "CASH OUT!!!!!!" Weeell, that gave us a little money to keep gambling with. So we took money and started feeding it to slot machines again. Jane had hit pretty good a couple of times. But, after dinner luck just didn?t go our way. Barb was broke (except for $20 she had in her pocket that she was hiding from us). Jane had a bucket of coins, but Barb kept snatching handfuls. I was so broke I could barely pay attention . Oh, I nearly forgot to mention, and I don't remember in what order everything happened in, but we were walking thru casino singing a lot of time and walking down stairs in arm in arm and in unison kicking our legs out like showroom girls, and tossing paper airplanes around casino. We left casino around 10 pm and decided to head to a place Barb had heard about. The only problem was. She knew it was in Kansas City, but didn?t know where! So we go for a bunny ride. After getting a real good tour of city, I finally gave in and stopped for directions. Being man that I am, I wasn?t about to go ask. So, Jane and I sent Barb in. This was sort of a seedy side of town, so we kept a close eye on her as she walked into quick shop. Right before Barb walked out door a young woman walks up to car. She said "She's in there asking my uncle bout how to get to this place and she ain?t understanding what he is saying cause he is talking fast.? (Barb walks up now.) This young woman continues (holding her brown paper bag with her bottle in it) "Y?all need to take your butt ... oh.. pardon my language... take your butt that way (pointing) on 9th Street, then turn left on whatever street, and then turn back on someother street". Then, she pauses, looks at us for a second, and says... "Oh!! You be looking for them frigging rich folks clubs!!! Don't get me wrong.. I like rich folks better than I do poor folks. A lot better!" She kept rambling on as Jane, Barb, and I started just cracking up. It was hilarious. Pretty soon her uncle came out of quick shop and told her to quit bothering these rich folks and ran her off. We followed Uncle's directions and pretty soon wound up in area of "Rich Folks Clubs". Jane, Barb, and I walked around a little and tried to beg a slice of pizza off a policeman with no luck. We ended up in this country and western bar with a dance floor and a mechanical bull. We sat down a bit and had a drink or four and watched bull riders. Jane and Barb kept prodding me to try to ride bull. I made every excuse in book, from fact that I only ride female cattle to my back was bad. But, finally, I gave in. I tromped up to guy operating thing and gave him my $5. I signed a waiver that basically said that if I am folded, stapled, or mutilated that I would not hold them responsible. After I put on gloves, Jane told me I was only supposed to wear one glove. So, I took one off. I looked like a cross between Michael Jackson and Meatloaf. I walked out and climb on top of this bull.. and... Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell........ All I can say is that bull ride reminded me a lot of sex......... It lasted about two minutes before I was laying on floor, breathing hard, and exhausted.
Chris Bradford and Brande McCree are the publishers of MLM Success Today, a weekly newsletter offering original articles written by its publishers for both the experienced and the beginner network marketer. http://www.mlmsuccesstoday.com/news/