Validate Feelings and Beliefs. Your new ways of doing things may feel like a threat to your parents. Without intending to, your way may seem like a personal attack against way you were raised. Feeling offended, your mother may try to influence you either to retaliate or to create a comfort level. It is important to share with your mom that, as an adult, you have taken all that she has taught you to create new ways of doing things with your family. You have needed to compromise and synthesize everyone’s ways to create a new way that works for all. Recognize that you and your mother have a right to your own opinions, even if they are different from each other.

Get a Guide There is such a stigma in asking for help, especially for woman. However, a third-party perspective can make all difference in how you communicate with your parents. This does not mean therapy or counseling. Find a Coach, a guide or even clergy who specializes in relationship issues. Be sure your Coach helps you both to focus on your goals for relationship. In other words, what do you want your future with your Mom to be like? Do you really need to hash out and analyze past or are you ready to learn skills to move forward? Also, make sure your Coach can offer immediate tools to use to help you diffuse potentially contentious situations. Ask Questions. “Why do you ask?” “How does that make you feel when I do that?” “Why would you do it that way?” What is your mother’s real intent when she does something that gets under your skin? If asked, she would probably be shocked that she hurt your feelings. Her intent was to help, not hurt. What is behind that seemingly critical statement or probing question? You may be surprised to find that she has her own agenda that is separate from what seemed like a criticism. Before you react, ask genuinely interested questions. This also takes focus off of you and onto her.

As my mother offered my son lollipop, I choked down my frustration and sincerely asked her why she gave him candy. Her answer caught me off guard. She expressed how hard it was for her that she lives so far away, that she could not help raise him and that she feared he would forget her from visit to visit. She explained that in her limited time with him, she wanted to bring pure joy and excitement and make him feel special. As I listened to this, I recognized that to my mother, all of that was represented in a lollipop. And what kind of mother was I to deny my son all those wonderful feelings? I also recognized that I could be true to my way of doing things and still love and respect my mother.

© 2004, XY Outlook, Inc.

Use your children’s artwork (which most families have in great abundance) to decorate wrapped packages. Your children will feel pride in fact that their work is contributing to holiday decorations.

Each Christmas of my childhood we would go “Santa Clausing”. My dad dressing up as Santa we children would dress as elves or reindeer. We would then deliver plates of Christmas goodies to friends and neighbors as we caroled. And of course, Santa had a candy cane in his bag for each child he encountered.

Give a new ornament to each child each year. Store each child’s collection in a special box that he can take with him when he leaves nest. Not only will it give your child a few ornaments to decorate his tree, but it will be a reminder of past Christmases.

Take lots of pictures throughout holidays. Each year create several new scrapbook pages that can be put into a special Christmas scrapbook album. It is wonderful to have out at holiday family gatherings for everyone to enjoy!

Several years we have been on giving and receiving end of “The 12 Days of Christmas”. Pick an individual or family that may be having a difficult holiday season, or that you just want to friendship. Each night anonymously leave a small gift with a note or poem on receivers porch. (It can be exciting and tricky trying not to get caught 12 nights in a row!)

Another option is to compile 12 gifts all at same time. Be sure they are small and lay them on a 4 to 5 foot piece of colored plastic wrap. Enclose gifts in wrap and make a long rope separating each gift with ties of ribbon. Each night receivers can cut off a new gift, and you only have one chance of being caught!

Use traditions to create lasting, happy memories for your family that can be looked forward to every year.