Only a discussion about what’s going on can get us inside one another’s mind and heart. In heat of moment, such a discussion may have to be postponed, but for good relationships and learning, it does need to take place. The feelings need to be addressed, and often-misinterpreted nonverbal displays untangled.

INTENTIONALITY

If you want to model good deeds for your child, and make a cake to bring to an ailing neighbor, be sure you address all parts of action, e.g., make sure you’re teaching what you mean to be teaching. This is Intentionality, an EQ competency. If you perform act begrudgingly, as some sort of onerous “duty,” throwing ingredients together and complaining whole time about how overworked you are, you will have defeated your deeper purpose. Unless you mean to teach that life is about detrimental self-sacrifice and suffering.

If on other hand, you happily make cake and dance out door to deliver it, your child may miss point that sometimes helping others may require some inconvenience on one’s own part.

Many things we do contain ambiguity, hardest thing for kids to figure out. ‘Does Mom like what she’s doing, or doesn’t she?’ Emotions are complex and so are our motives. We need instruction in their management. I recall telling my niece, “No I don’t like to clean toilets. However, I like feeling I get when house is clean.”

OUTCOMES

In workplace, if you cheerfully take on extra assignments, you put yourself at-risk for being taken advantage of. If you’re putting forth extra effort, you don’t need to wear a hair-shirt about it, but if you don’t point out what you’re doing, it can and will be used against you. Typical boss mentality dictates “Sheila never complains, so she’s OK. Fred complains all time. Therefore I’ll give Fred a raise.”

EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

One of EQ competencies is emotional expression. However, EQ isn’t only about emotions, it’s about interface between thinking and feeling. We always need to explain ourselves to others, our “self” including both actions and feelings. Therefore we use our intellect to explain our emotions. Good relationships require letting others know how you’re feeling right away, alerting them immediately if they’re off-course. It requires explaining “that look on your face.”

Martha was having trouble at work. She was told in her performance review that no one liked to work with her. In coaching, she discovered that when she was focused, she had a look on her face that was misinterpreted as anger. When she became aware of effect she was having on others, she learned to modify her nonverbal behavior, i.e., to stop and smile when concentrating, and explain, so others would not be off-put.

OTHERS ARE WATCHING … AND MISINTERPRETING

Whatever you’re doing, know effect you’re having on others. Check it out!

The above-mentioned piece ends with “How will you touch life of someone today?” The adult task is to care, know, and check it out. Be sure you’re touching lives of others today way you mean to. It’s emotionally intelligent way.

©Susan Dunn, MA, Life & EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . She offers individual coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development and helps people develop their emotional intelligence. She trains and certifies EQ coaches. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine and more information. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet, http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .

Some tips:

* Write down your positive achievements, all that you can remember; educations, jobs, loves and relationships (even if they ended, you still achieved them), friendships, children, driving licence... Look at what you already have and realize you have done rather well. * Write down good things that others have said about you. Read through old documents from former employers or teachers that state all your strong sides. Maybe you forgot you had them? * Make plans. Ask yourself what can be done. What can you change to make things better? Write down precise goals and write a step-by-step plan on how you intend to achieve your goals. *Decision. Make a decision that tomorrow you will start dealing with first step of your plan.

When you read what you have written you will realize that you have grown and developed over years. That also means that you can grow and develop further.

Ingela Berger started her own Internet business Lifestyle Plans in 2003 to inspire others to make reality of their dreams of a healthy and fulfilling lifestyle. Ingela has studied theatre directing, history of art, and leadership psychology. After some years working with art exhibitions and the theatre she is now back at school to become a health and lifestyle consultant.