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5. Don't be afraid of large blocks of text. Readers see that dense copy and say to themselves: "Oh goody, I was just running short of things to read!"
6. Bury your lead. This is an old journalism trick practiced by old journalists who couldn't remember point of their story. This delightful writing style requires your readers to plow through a slagheap of details before reaching "gold nugget". Internet users are patient creatures with nowhere else to go, so don't hesitate to ramble on and on aimlessly.
7. If you want your readers to take a specific action such as order a product or "click here", don't state that outright. Subtlety is best. Give them benefit of doubt and assume they'll know what they're supposed to do.
8. Which brings us to tone. Your written tone of voice is very important. You never want your readers to suspect that a real live person is standing behind their words or, worse yet, standing behind their product. Just pretend you are a robot and writing will come much easier.
9. Consistently utilize a preponderance of gargantuan words, even in localities where a more diminutive congregation of characters would be sufficient. This method, employed with great success by lawyers, will convince your humble readers that you are infinitely smarter than they are and they will buy your product or service out of sheer gratitude.
By following above guidelines in writing your text, you'll be moving world one step closer to day when entire web is a syntax-free zone and professional writers (like me) spend our days fishing cigarette butts out of bus station ashtrays.
Heather Reimer has been involved in print and electronic journalism for over 15 years and is currently the Creative Copy Editor for iGlobalMedia.com, a leading edge affiliate management company. You can visit them at www.iglobalmedia.com.